Brother, I am as gray as you. The difference is I work. I work my way out of the grays every day

Someone should bring that hiker that killed that mountain lion with his bare hands. Goddamn

“The idea of fairness has been promoted in our schools for a long time and we’re starting to see kids who grow up in this notion that fairness above all,” Payne told the hosts. “And now they’re becoming voting age and they’re bringing this ideology with them.”

Turn it into a mosque. Mike Pence’s Mosque for Immigrants 

• Creates winners and losers

Ha ha ha I’m renaming my band Elizabeth Warren’s Conspiracy Zone

More centrists in the pockets of big Nestlé. 

I blame a pivot to online video. Let this be a lesson, Univision

As someone who’s had to use a nasal feeding tube in the past, this is definitely torture. Not the actual feeding, that’s delicious, but taking out the tube was excruciating. Abolish ICE.

Where was Rand Paul’s sidearm? He was pretty much asking to get tackled. In Libertarian America there’s no baby state protecting little boys from life. Half-man probably cried all the way to the pediatric hospital.

Not everyone is born with the potential for, and the means to cultivate, intelligence. What’s going on here is Cognitive Elitism, an ugly form of bigotry simply accepted by the left as normal. Howard Schultz has beaten impossible odds to become rich, while also being an idiot, just to be rewarded with another shackle.…

which included puzzling lines like “I love you, alive girl,”

everything in the world is broken

everything in the world is broken

I thought this was going to be an article about education funding =(

Look, ripping on people who care about child safety is dumb as hell, of course, but like, these are not super-cold temperatures and people in general need to calm down. I was out shoveling in a t-shirt last weekend at -7 F, like a real tough guy. It wasn’t even hard.

Podesta said, calling the most recent reporting about her weighing another presidential bid “media catnip.”

Look, she’s a woman, which makes me angry, she’s black, which makes me angry, she has an age, and I now know it, which makes me angry, and thinking about sex makes me angry, which is confusing, which also makes me angry. I’m just going to write in “GUNS” for every choice on my next ballot. Where’s my remote control

Sauté the rich

“You betas ever been in the shit? I have, and it was easy. I could have lasted 96 hours in there. 134 hours. Elevators are nothing. 174 hours. Humans are animals.”

Neither of those extremes are as good as my idea: The Wheel of Death. It ranges from 0% to 150%, interspersed with things like “cars,” “houses,” and “first born.” Your rich ass dad died? Spin The Wheel of Death! Let god sort it out.