I’m not sure I’ve ever eaten a red hot in my life, that wasn’t embedded in an inch of frosting atop a sugar cookie.

My inner fat kid, and soon to be outer fat kid, is doing a happy dance.

Do you guys think if Fox News Blondes takes the whole thing, that they’ll find out about it and do a segment about how Jezebel is just jealous? I can’t wait to be a famous harpy snowflake.

Ugh. I’m still mad about missionary. STILL.

*Clicks add to reading list*

Not even deep down, right on the surface I would bang it out with Andy Dwyer/Pratt way before Star Lord/Pratt. There, I said it. 

If Kris Jenner was a member, it would be the Karen Koalition.

One Million Moms, a.k.a. Two Broads in a Basement.

I HAVE NOT IDEA. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, WHAT THE FUCK???? YOU PICKED A DOG OVER BIDEN? A DOG????

No, vote for the thing you want cancelled the most. Cancelled the mostest. Most cancelled. I don’t know how I can be any more clear. 

Ask and you shall receive.

Bring a friend and get her to obviously hit on your coworkers right in front of you. Super awkward times for coworkers, hilarious times for you. 

Ooh, what kind of gross job? I don’t have a normally gross job, well, not unless I want it to be anyways, but I do have an awesome story about preparing decapitated heads for a cadaver lab that KILLS at cocktail parties. It’s a great party trick to see how many squeamish people I can freak out and get to leave, versus…

You convinced me.

I mean, I want to say that Ligers can DEFINITELY do magic, but I have no proof. So I’ll stick with maybe. 

I don’t either, because from a dating standpoint he creeps me the fuck out, and I wouldn’t let him anywhere near my vagina. I would drink heavily with him though.

This makes my 80's child heart happy.

Yesssssssssss. This is every problem I have with this show, summed up so succinctly. 

Kanye is Sean Hannity.