I know someone whose name is Brooks Olsen and is a real, live, person. 

THANK YOU! Fondant is nasty. I would also like to add to the banishment list cakes that are really made out of stale rice crispy treats, instead of sponge cake. I think we should just agree to do away with cutesy cakes that are made to look like cartoon characters, people’s heads, etc. This would take care of like 90%…

Being forced to interact with people I don’t know or like with no means of distraction or escape?  This is my second worst nightmare, right after being eaten alive by a shark.

But will Robin Tunney’s wig be in it?

If you can’t buy it in the mall in her basement, it isn’t worth having.

Touché. I forgot about their ongoing marketing campaign “Do you remember when the Mariners were good, back before Griffey left the first time? Pepperidge Farm remembers.”

I’m going for the crickets, and the shortest Din Tai Fung lines in the city.

Seriously though, remember when you were a kid in like 1995, and the Mariners were actually good because they had good players and a competent Manager?  Griffey, Martinez, Rodriguez, Johnson, Buehner, and Pinela. 12 year old me is very sad…

I’m a blood and gore wimp, so being on the same level as Jaws is approaching a hard pass for me. I may need to see if I can score some Xanax first.

What a See-You-Next-Toeloop.

I really, really, want him to be the person brought in to be the worst influence on Jason. I mean, can you imagine how much of a distraction Bortles would be for Jason making any progress towards being a good person? He’d just want to talk to him constantly about Jacksonville, about every pass he’s ever thrown in…

Every time I find out someone like this human piece of gas station sushi has tens of millions of followers (and likely makes millions a year), I have a hard time figuring out which one of us is making the bad life choices.

I also love the shows with the weird sisters, specifically because they tend to be darker. I described the show to a friend as Harry Potter but with 1000% more devil worshiping. I’m not a big fan of the episodes with some creature that exists as a stand alone adversary separate from the overall plot, like the sleep…

You can buy the pattern here.

Maybe she wasn’t planning on swimming but decided to jump in? I don’t know what the protocol is for taking off your hair when you’ve been wearing it in front of other people all day. Leave it on a deck chair?

“Annnnd they’re off. Into the first turn is Mama’s Boy followed by Really, Him? and If Flour Was A Person. Now If Flour Was A Person is making their move, If Flour Was A Person is coming to the inside followed by No One Wants to Sleep with You and Another Privileged White Boy. It’s still If Flour was a Person, If…

This song has been stuck in my head for a month.

Your link is broken, so I fixed it for you :) All of my favorite recent shows and movies have killer soundtracks.  

“I have to update my Airbnb listing.”

That leg though.