The only thing that'll stop a bad 9-year-old with a gun is a good 9-year-old with a gun.

But how do you buy shoes?

"Wait there's something in my foot...Get it off."

Less Anorexia, More Eczema!

Dove's parent is Unilever, and Unilever is a shitty-ass corporation. They're behind Axe and also have a thriving skin bleaching business abroad. This should be surprising to no one.

I feel like, if you are looking into surrogacy, you should make it clear in the contract before inserting fertilized eggs that you have no interest in raising any potential disabled children, so that the surrogate knows going into it that she might have to abort, keep the disabled child, or give it up for adoption. …

I don't know. If I'm a cop and someone tells me a gang of street urchins and their 3 legged dog did it, I'm all in. No one pulls the street urchins card anymore.

"Does everyone have enough to drink? Brenda, how's the new job? How come no one is trying the onion dip?

Right. Like I said, that's great, but its not the norm. Give yourself a big pat on the back - you beat the median!

I can only hope someone does this to me. I am the one that would then lift my skirt over my head to show them I got nothing. Because I have no shame whatsoever and I am a total bitch. In fact, I rather all searches I ever do be in front of everyone. I don't trust people in rooms hidden away "for my privacy". Yeah. Uh…

my 6 year old went through a phase recently where he was obsessed with slender man. He came across a minecraft mod for it then started googling. It didn't scare him too much, probably because we just insisted it was internet-folklore, which kinda worked to our advantage to teach him about the internet and its b.s.

...a lobster mac'n'cheese (ugh, I know)...

He probably didn't have enough characters left.

Geez; calm down, junior.

Not to take anything away from Corey Monteith's tragic death, but you do realise that their relationship was fake, right? Lea Michele will now forever be the tragic and bereaved lover in the eyes of the world because Monteith died before they made it to the end of their contract. Never underestimate the power of Gleek…

You must have a robot vagina.

Darren Rovell shines flashlights into glory holes.

Darren Rovell stores "How's My Driving?" hotline numbers in his Blackberry. Just in case.

@veronykah: true. I work in a bank. Where I've seen people get burned with the water mark, is someone will bleach a 5 dollar bill leaving the watermark and turn it into a 50. Most people just see a watermark and give it the all clear not realizing it's honest abe.