"See above map, designed by Tom Fulery." – Barry Petchesky, Sports Director, KTVU–TV

I can't believe people are getting so mad over this. I mean, there's meat stuffed in a too-tight, unnaturally-reddened casing, super-artificial, with the flavor of something that's been sitting around since, like, 1999... and if we can get over his call of the Derby every year, surely we can get over some ketchup on a…

Somewhere Russell Westbrook is fuming that it should have been his fart.

To be fair, ever since taking that fastball to the dick, Valdespin's been having a "heated exchange" every time he goes to the bathroom.

Thanks for the levity before shit goes thermonuclear.

Summer intern? Yeah, right.

"In my country, contract opt out of you!" #dasraycess

Prokhorov isn't the kind of guy who'd offer you a little sumpin-sumpin under the table to opt out of your contract and sign with the Nets, though.

I would never describe Donald Sterling's business history as "checkered." He's never allowed any of his businesses to be in the black.

Yeah, how dare they raise an eyebrow at a player who gives up $7 million. Is proximity to Brighton Beach really worth that much?

The last thing inner city Brooklyn needed was more automatic weapons.

"Dude relax, we only wanted to go out for a beer."

Werth's a bum. He's a bum.

Could be worse. When Brett Myers set the record for most hits by a pitcher all he got was the opportunity to make a phone call.

"If you fuck a stranger in the ass, this is what's gonna happen."

"If you throw a pitch right down the middle to Joe Carter, this is what happens"

Dwight played this all wrong. If you don't want to stay with Kobe, you're supposed to at least get a giant fucking ring out of it.

You beat me to it.