Ugh. There is the fatal flaw in this plan.

My best friend used to do big business in erotic cakes. Real veiny triumphant motherfuckers. She does non-nudity pastries now, but says that she will gladly send this guy a gay erotic cake.

This was my daughter at two. #toddlergoddess.

My daughters 4 and has long spiral curls and straight haired women (me included) ask her every day if they can have her hair to make a Beyonce wig. I call her Mini Diana Ross/Tiny Donna Summer/80s Julia Roberts. Sometimes she says she wishes her hair were straight like mine and it makes me sad so I tell her that women…

I deactivated my face book years and years ago but recently I am so super into it because where we live there's a swap meet page and people often move away and go "all this shit is in my driveway come get it before the trash man comes" ta da! Free furniture.

That butt is gold!

I cried at that part.

"Yes 911 thank you for your promptness in answering my call this is an emergency I would like to inquire as to how to remove this Amber Rose string bathing suit from my rectum."

That woman is a brick house. I'd have been tangled in that string for hours confused as to how to wrap it up through my butt.

if anyone brings up my boyfriend from 5 years ago I throw mind lightning bolts at their faces and imagine myself ripping their heads off really slowly because who really wants to have their past dragged up by every asshole who thinks it's their business?

When I saw this on the news this morning my friend made ten thousand jokes about children raised like chickens.

markbustos on ig. I hope your brother has better luck in the future. My best friends mother has a mouth full of broken and discolored teeth from a time when her ex husband (friend's father) punched her so hard he cracked a ton of them and she couldn't afford to fix them and now nobody will give her a job despite her…

I'm married and my best friend is married and we're happy as hell but the assumption for us is "fill your uterus with 10,000 children"

I feel like these people were incredibly idiotic and insensitive because one thing that homelessness takes away is dignity in keeping your person clean. That guy on Instagram who gives people haircuts every weekend on the street in NYC really drives it in that many homeless people have no choice in their appearance…

(see: Drake's tears)

Yeah he just sounded funny and silly to me, not jerk-like at all.

He didn't sound rude or jerky to me he just had a panic attack in a mob themed restaurant and when asked why he thought he'd get shot he said he was important because he sells thermoses. Sounded like a silly situation instead of a mean one.

Link!

Paris Hilton

Does corseting really work that quickly?