LOL too late, fuckers. The baseball gods are displeased and I hope you’re unceremoniously dispatched by the Nats ASAP. 

Except that Chicago *ISN’T* broke! It has $800 million dollars in the TIF accounts, which have been siphoned off of property taxes (which go to pay for education) and directed towards developers and private corporations. They have enough money to pay $90 million for a police training facility, $30 million to put more…

The average pay is higher than 60% of the residents because they perform a job that requires higher education and annual training. I’ll never understand why you don’t hold accountants and lawyers to the same “why do we pay them” standards.

“Over 50% of my tax bill goes to PENSIONS ALONE.”

Can you direct me to where the line forms to punch this walking penis in the face.

How can you criticize a guy who is always pulling for his teammates?

She’s scoring a lot of points, but averages less than an assist per game. I’m sure her coaches would like to encourage her to spread the ball around more, but she’s probably not used to having teammates who are also capable of scoring. Therefore, Han shoots first.

I can’t decide if it’s more hilarious or horrifying the the President’s particular mental ... uh ... foibles can be so obviously put on display for something so minor. Everyone knows why he is doing it, everyone knows those reasons are fucking crazy, and nobody can do anything about it.

Made even weirder because his excuse for doing it the first time was that the government was shutdown! now he’s locked in to “cold fast food is good for college athletes” because he forgot that was why he did it?

I love that he has to keep serving fast food because everyone made fun of him for it once, and he is constitutionally incapable of allowing even the implication he might have been wrong by serving better food now.

He's black.

Is this some handwringing gut-check overreaction because dude accidentally submitted an expense report showing he went to a strip club....?

Only one letter separates writer and waiter, after all, and the salaries are about the same.

That adrenaline-fueled overthrow is as forgivable as it was hilarious. 

Former Blazer, and noted cupcake aficionado, Raymond Felton.

They aren’t the same, so they both could be.

Durant has become the weirdest, most bitter star in the NBA. What does he have to be so mad about?

lots of lessons being learned today as thousands of children realize they should have peed before they left the house, like dad said

I guess Faith isn’t that uncommon, but I’m struggling to figure out how this guy met a stripper named Family.