Don’t go with the company that has the most rock bottom price and ask if they have references that are older than six months. I actually went and looked at some tubs that were done at another apartment complex the year before. Also, if they tell you not to worry about the finish peeling, run.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,

The nation needs more people like you!

I can’t stop laughing while reading that damn list

NO SMILE
NO WHISPER
NO SING
ONLY ZUUL

“I responded by throwing a brick at his car”

UPDATE: Sea World says she’s doing well, so far! And they’re calling her “Marina.”

“Wibbly wopped” is perfection. I’m trying to find some excuse to use it in conversation today!

Wibbly wopped made me so happy I could die!

Why small? I want full-body hives and boils and wheals and suppurating wounds.

I’m not a morning person, or afternoon or night person. I never wanna do anything.

This is where Donald Trump came from.

Calm down there, Satan.

instead of whatever it is that they do with confiscated weed.

Nope, sorry. Still not OK. Women are not “the sights.” We are fully-realized people, not ornaments for your bro-space. None of women at the gym are there for your boner. We know when you’re leering. We know when you’re “just looking.” Nothing about my five miles on the treadmill or hour on the bike invites you to…

Hey look, it’s a 9 door Honda Fit!

Hollowed out. Filled with candy. 3 swings each.

She ended up polishing his resume

Awww. Rich people have normal problems, too. <3

Here’s what I do when people ask about my dad: “He’s fine! It’s so nice to see you! How’s [insert conversation changer]?” If they know me well enough to know I’m estranged they wouldn’t ask. If they don’t, then they don’t need to know.

I can’t wait to have a wedding for the sole purpose of not inviting my mother.