My good news: I got biopsy results back on Thursday that confirm I do NOT have skin cancer!

I like Eric's new "IDGAF" personality, and his flashbacks are the best thing True Blood has ever done. Also a bunch of annoying characters got killed off really fast. :)

"Mother, I am the future king and I want that horse. I will be distracted by paper though, if you have any on hand"

Can we just go with "never?" It is NEVER ok to leave children or animals locked in a hot car. COME ON, people. This is Texas. Heat indexes are expected to reach 105 today, you could bake cookies on the windshield of your car. And it's just gonna stay this way until October. We ALL know this. We go through this EVERY…

I knew a Lolita. Apparently, it means little Delores and she was named after her mom. She worked it.

Him: Do you have a little Irish in you?

These assholes should:

You win. You just win.

That's a Grand Canyon. I wonder if there were tiny tourists on tiny donkeys walking up and down taking tiny videos!

Those lyrics did nothing for me and I was prepared to be the one who truly had not heard that song. Googled those words, found the song title, Spotified it up and was doing just fine until the 1:08 mark. Damn you!

Between this and having whiskey sours with Ina in yesterday's dirt bag, it's almost like Taylor Swift is on a one woman campaign to make me like her or something.

When I got married, I saved so much money because most of my friends are professional assassins, so they volunteered their services to kill the guests as a wedding present. Also I made my own poison crystal necklace from upcycled thrift store jewelry, the DJ had 'The Rains of Castamere' on his iPod shuffle, and the…

Every "socially liberal but fiscally conservative" moderate Republican friend many of us have should also be pistol-whipping the Tea Party terrorists, and yet that doesn't seem to be happening.

Why does being of the same religion as another person mean that they are affiliated? Are all Christians affiliated? Are all white people affiliated? That is a very loose definition of affiliation if you are going to use it in that manner.

A thousand years ago I read an interview with the female lawyer who represented one of the men in the gang rape of a woman on a pool table in Massachusetts. The crux of the interview was "how can a woman represent a man accused of rape?" And her response was, our legal system entitles everyone to to the best…

Boy, wouldn't it be awful to have a president who believed that everyone deserves legal representation, regardless of the crime they are charged with? Like you know, what is considered someone's constitutional rights? I mean, fuck, you know, I think it's ridiculous to give shit someone actually doing their job.

Word. So many of them have 5-7 year olds, are divorced, shilling HerbalLife/shitty real estate and posting way too many selfies taken in their bathroom mirrors. My life isn't great all the time but, as a decidedly NOT cool girl in high school it does make me go:

I keep seeing evidence of my dirtbag clique STILL hanging out together and using each other as bridesmaids. They still take photos with this lawn flamingo we stole in 1998. I feel bad for not being included... and then remember that I don't want to be included.

I am not friends on Facebook or in real life with many people I knew in high school, which is nice. It's been over 10 years so I don't think of it much. I did, however, take great joy in seeing that the football player (on whom my Gothy self had such a huge crush, and who made fun of my spiked collars) now drives a…