Seriously, did they make up their last name? Crosswhite? Was Burncross taken?

I want a spinoff where Eric and Pam run a hair salon. Layfayette and Ginger can work there.

He was honestly baffled as to how someone who was willing to sleep with a married man with a child was also willing to cheat on her own husband to sleep with another married man with adult children. I (almost) felt sorry for him, but I mostly wanted to say “Really? REALLY?”

My stepmother was 11 years older than me and about a foot shorter once I hit puberty. Strangers used to mistake her for my older sister. I understand that some of her current husband’s children from his first marriage are actually older than her, which must be even more awkward for everyone.

No nanny to bang, but my dad also married the 22-year-old student he was “advising.” Who left him 11 years later for her graduate advisor — I found a pleasing symmetry in that, at least.

While wearing lion masks! Well done, righteous pranksters.

I think it’s an Armenian last name — like Kardashian. Take from that what you will.

Eh, everybody's got to have a hobby.

It’s biological, man! *said in the voice of his character from “Reality Bites”*

True, but he had a LONG fallow period before that. I also take great pleasure in Jude Law’s receding hairline.

Ha! I went! My favorite part was how they explain how the monster basically can’t exist, because there's not enough wildlife in the loch to sustain a creature of that size (among other things.) Then they lead you out through the monster-themed gift shop.

And Ethan Hawke! I will never forgive him for cheating on UMA FREAKIN’ THURMAN with the nanny. I have taken great satisfaction in the slow decline of his career.

But what if the person you love runs over your heart with, like, a Prius? What then, Cady Groves?

I always figured it was like “aloe vera”? Which doesn’t really make sense, but I’m not well-versed in taunting the non-famous first wives of my lovers.

Ugh, if Ben really is dating the nanny, then this is the most cliched midlife crisis ever.

‘Never again’ will be the policy of my administration and I will stand with our ally Israel to prevent the terrorists in Tehran from achieving their own stated goal of another Holocaust.” [because we need the Jews in Israel for Jesus’ 2nd Coming. After that, they can go to hell — literally.”]

This section drove me nuts: he claims that contrary to the Times, his salons are inspected twice a year, and that “between May 2014 and May this year, there were 5,174 inspections of “appearance enhancement” businesses, which would include ordinary beauty as well as nail salons.” Which is a totally meaningless…

This thing:

So lining the rim of your eyelid? I’ve always wondered how people did that — I didn’t know there was a name for it, other than “lining the rim of your eyelid.”

EQUALLY SERIOUS QUESTION: What is waterlining? I have no idea....