I have a penis shaped bottle opener in my home, and the last time my mother was visiting, she picked it up, looked at it, and said, "This man must be abusing steroids. Look at how small the testicles are in comparison to his penis! He should get that checked out."

His entire pose is so awkward and stiff (har har). It looks like he's asking us "Is... is this how you hold a woman? By the armpits?"

Wonder bread on wonder bread? Huh.

"just spoke to my boy Mark Wahlberg."

That Obama is awful for dragging his staff to Hawaii. So much better with W - he dragged them to middle of nowhere ranch in Texas for his vacation.

This isn't a dig at you, just a statement of the obvious - lots of us look at how Obama is treated by Conservatives and the media NOW and feel great shame.

It's disheartening to see that there are so many people still foolish enough to believe the myth of the safe and secure firearm.

Law-abiding gun owners. Responsible gun owners. Centaurs with golden colons. Mermaids with emerald sphyncters.

(She's really happy!)

Eh, definitely would regift him myself.

It's the wine that is still in the bottle when the cops show up and you have to go with them to answer all their nosy questions about how come your neighbors have drawings of dicks all over their house now and 30 llamas are chillin' in your yard.

i could have pro makeup and hair done and then the best photoshopper in the world retouch me and i wouldnt look half as good as makeup free riri

Nobody cares about your itchy dick is the new nobody cares about your boner.

This just made me legitimately laugh so hard. Every. Single. Book.

Good point! This all kinda makes me wonder what the BSC is up to now. I'm pretty sure Mary Anne is posting way too many pictures of her kids on FB, and Kristy is secretly super annoyed by that, and will eventually make a passive-aggressive comment that will end the friendship for a week.

Geez, those twins must both be morons, they've been in high school for like 40 years!

Mark, have you ever read thedairiburger.com? It hasn't been updated in a while, but basically, a woman read through the various Sweet Valley series and added her hilarious commentary on all the fucked up shit that happens in the books.

OK, obviously these books have....changed a bit.

Growing up a guy in my neighborhood abused his daughter and granddaughter and everyone knew and no one did anything, including me.

No kidding. I was sexually assaulted when I was eleven years old. It took a couple months to process what happened to me, and I finally told my parents after telling a friend. We went to the police. They did nothing. That friend I told? She was assaulted by the exact same person, was willing to back me up, and the…