I bet Kobe thinks it’s “alpha” that he can clear a seat a with a wave of his hand.

If the first scene is Happy Keanu coming home from the pound with a fluffy, new puppy, I don’t think I’ll be able to watch.

“Yo, girl. Just dreamin bout you while I touch my peepee.”

Dinner for Schmucks is also what gets penciled into the reservation books when midtown restaurants get a table request from James Dolan.

Being the new guy at any job is humbling, but can you imagine the indignity of having to win over Carmelo fucking Anthony?

Jesus.

Hmmmm . . . I’m not Bobby Serious (thank god), I didn’t post a GIF, and my comment wasn’t “relatable.”

Ha! This is amazingly appropriate.

Uh, what?

I’m all for mocking gun nuts, too.

“Is Abe Vigoda still alive?” has been a joke for so long I figured you were kidding, too. Then I googled him, and he’s really dead this time.

Yeah, I hate that expression, too. Really, I hate any time people communicate in memes or cliches. It’s the equivalent of saying, “I’m not clever, but I want to seem clever, so here’s something other people have said that once was considered clever.”

Wrong!

Sorry, I don’t take my advice from dumb cartoons.

I think you’re a little overly-bullish on the Clippers.

I like that for both teams.

It’s pretty insane.

I spent 30 minutes parsing this video yesterday and remain more convinced than before that nothing was going on in terms of bending the envelope.

“There was people’s tendency to waste time by responding to a national tragedy with “No Words.’”

Cleveland had the worst record in the league the previous season, and the greatest chance of winning the lottery.