“Part of being a coach is helping your players become men. I didn’t always succeed, but I feel okay moving on, now that Eli has velcro cleats.”

That’s good, too!

Because even if what they’re doing is impotent, it’s still illegal.

YallQaeda is the most perfect thing, ever. Sorry.

Ok, but why do you like guns so much? And why, if god’s name, do you own “LOTS?!?”

Bingo.

This was good. I especially liked the lines about fruit roll-ups, and peeing in the sink.

Whimsical, Sports-are-Dumb-and-Fun Deadspin >>> Everything-Sucks-and-We’re-Above-it-All Deadspin.

Almost every industry organizes annual awards for themselves.

No, he doesn’t believe it. He just knows that saying it is his best chance to win the presidency and silence the voice in his head that says, “I’m a fraud. I’m only successful because of Daddy’s money. Intelligent people know I’m a buffoon. My legacy is being a clown.”

She was all about that bass.

Except women hate Jennifer Lawrence too, and think her effortless cool is a sign of being a “phony.”

Cruz is certainly evil, but he’s so hated by his own party, he’d never get anything passed.

Not the first time.

I swear I heard him whisper in the pig’s ear, “Pretty soon you’re going to be in my belly, but first I’m going to be all up in your guts.”

Wow. That certainly changes how I think about her.

So you think Kate Winslet, a person who has always been progressive, outspoken and feminist is simply against women receiving equal pay?

Get Out!

They’re not “(half)rumors.” Bill has admitted to loads of bad behavior. Of course, that’s for him to answer to, not Hillary.

“Only 309 days until our shared national misery is over.”