The angry short man with the mohawk who voted for Brexit. 

I get it, man. Waiting on lab results is a harrowing experience. 

Counter-point: Self-checkout (when properly configured and working) is the best.

To really put the duration of this contract into perspective, when it expires, R. Kelly will try to have sex with it.

I wish my kids looked at me the way Thomas's does after being out of work for 11 months

If he’s such a great prognosticator, then why didn’t he open the broadcast with, “Everybody should just go to bed right now, because in a few hours you will all want to kill yourselves.”

As a kid watching the NCAA tournament, I truly thought there was a state called Ball.

Follow-up question: how do you still have the will to live?

Hi, Julianne, I’d like to add a few things to the list of worst things to happen in an office bathroom. I work in an office park and share a bathroom with about 10 other companies, you need a key to get in, but frequently find customers/clients of other tenants using the bathroom. Here’s just a little taste of what I…

I was so tickled by this animal that I said out loud in an Australian accent, “Awwwwwww, what’s up Knickers?” and now HR wants to speak with me.

Whenever I have a problem, I just trade for a Cleveland Brown, and then boom, right away, I have a different problem.

“Sacrifice is what people do when they don’t love what they’re doing.”

Meanwhile, the Orioles’ “2018 AL East Division Participants” is still just sitting on the side of I-81.

I’m surprised she told you about that.

Quick research: She does.

Get hit in the brain, morans.

News of a man dying on a little league field was especially terrifying for Danny Almonte’s family.

“Horton, Here’s a Poo!”

As someone who does Crossfit let me just say...that all of you are exactly right. I only do it because I can’t run anymore and need a way to burn lots of calories, but goddamn is the culture around it insufferable. My gym has a deal with some local company to make “Crossfit meals” for people to purchase, and they are…

Hair Color: BLACK