The angry short man with the mohawk who voted for Brexit. 

I get it, man. Waiting on lab results is a harrowing experience. 

To really put the duration of this contract into perspective, when it expires, R. Kelly will try to have sex with it.

I wish my kids looked at me the way Thomas's does after being out of work for 11 months

If he’s such a great prognosticator, then why didn’t he open the broadcast with, “Everybody should just go to bed right now, because in a few hours you will all want to kill yourselves.”

As a kid watching the NCAA tournament, I truly thought there was a state called Ball.

Follow-up question: how do you still have the will to live?

Hi, Julianne, I’d like to add a few things to the list of worst things to happen in an office bathroom. I work in an office park and share a bathroom with about 10 other companies, you need a key to get in, but frequently find customers/clients of other tenants using the bathroom. Here’s just a little taste of what I…

I was so tickled by this animal that I said out loud in an Australian accent, “Awwwwwww, what’s up Knickers?” and now HR wants to speak with me.

Whenever I have a problem, I just trade for a Cleveland Brown, and then boom, right away, I have a different problem.

“Sacrifice is what people do when they don’t love what they’re doing.”

Meanwhile, the Orioles’ “2018 AL East Division Participants” is still just sitting on the side of I-81.

I’m surprised she told you about that.

Quick research: She does.

Get hit in the brain, morans.

News of a man dying on a little league field was especially terrifying for Danny Almonte’s family.

“Horton, Here’s a Poo!”

As someone who does Crossfit let me just say...that all of you are exactly right. I only do it because I can’t run anymore and need a way to burn lots of calories, but goddamn is the culture around it insufferable. My gym has a deal with some local company to make “Crossfit meals” for people to purchase, and they are…

Hair Color: BLACK

That’s a lot of Ks for someone who pitches to contact