“youthful mistakes”

Same. My mom’s neighbor called last week basically to say, “all she wants to do is lay in bed and eat doritos.” and I’m like, “okay, so I will bring her more doritos. It’s fine.”

Maybe even “two big hands.” You should workshop this and send it to her campaign.

THAT CHEEK!!!

i’m fine being pals with all of my wife’s exes...as long as i am better looking and more endowed than them.

Self absorbent guys arent all bad. You can use them to clean wine spills.

God, dating in DC sucks.

Why the fuck are you talking about shoes?

...did I miss something? Who are Mathews, Scannell, and Field?

I had a friend like that. She got called out for claiming a degree from Parsons when she had taken an extension course she didn’t complete.

How I yaaaas:

Someone on Twitter referred to him as “Swim Shady” which is so brilliant, and I hope it catches on.

There is nothing about this lady that is comical.

I’m kind of impressed when Lochte doesn’t put his shoes & socks on in that particular order.

JEAHL!

Pretty much this. Except I was the child parents THINK they’re going to have, the one who doesn't understand. I remember being a kid and seeing two guys kissing in Central Park and asking my parents about it. They were like “sometimes men fall in love with men and women fall in love with women.” I was completely…

Here is Taylor making her way to her SUV from another angle.

Where have you been hiding out lately, honey?/You can’t dress trashy till you spend a lot of money...

Something about this is sooooooo funny to me. It’s like having a whole crew of clueless dads following you around, not as subtle as they think they are.