I wish. I’ve had pretty great luck with men but that guy was a real piece of work. I did tell him his ostrich skin cowboy boots that he’d just paid $800 for were fake. He was Danish but super into Texas culture, so I think that hurt him more than a wangpunch.

After our first (and last) time together:

Well that really takes the biscuit.

Huh, well I learned something new about my sexuality today. I am surprisingly into it.

Right? “Oh try a jumper! Oh try a romper!” My long torso is basically Fuck That Cat.

Truth: Crushing on Ruby Rose is for straight girls who don’t want to admit they find Justin Bieber sexually attractive.

Girl. I ordered about a dozen beautiful vintage silk saris from eBay for next to nothing (maybe the average price was $12) and had my dressmaker caftanize them. You. Don’t. Even. KNOW. It has totally revolutionized my caftan game. Each sari made a full-length and a tunic-length caftan, each with matching belts and I…

I will support that if you promise to lobby with me to get New Haven-born GWB publicly reclassified as a Connecticut-American instead of a Texan.

Honestly, if people are cool wearing Jacques Guerlain perfumes custom designed “to smell like the three holes on the underside of [his] mistress” —scents that include Shalimar, Mitsouko and l’Heure Bleue— then there’s no big deal to this at all. My only concern is that it will lack artistry, so it would work better as…

Just a pro tip from someone living in Mexico: those giant ones are for soup and are not so nice to eat as a snack.

Yeah, I’ve made foie gras from geese who spent their lives frolicking in sylvan springs and doing volunteer work from a neighbor’s farm down here in Baja and I’d say it tastes maybe 80% as good as the traditional French treatment. So not perfect, but one of those things where being able to eat it without guilt…

Oh. Oh dear. I just...oh dear.

My guy’s a soccer player and although there aren’t nail salons everywhere here like there are in the US, he makes sure to either get or DIY a pedicure every two weeks. Sometimes he’ll drop it down to once a month in the offseason if he’s training on the beach and sometimes he’ll up it to every week if he’s seeing…

Right? As soon as I heard the DJ I went “Ohhhhhh, okay, I get it.”

Ugh, that guy sounds unfortunate. And yet I’m pretty sure I’m going to need to know what his vision of the bridesmaid dresses would look like.

I think the *surprise* cake smashing is a massive dick move. I guess if the couple’s into it then whatever, but I’ve never seen a surprise smash go down well, especially because knowing whether a person would like cake smashed in their face seems like something you’d have figured out before you got married. Of course,…

I will rep hard for short dudes until the day I die. I’m 5’10” and Señor Overdrive is five feet five inches of smokin’ hot perfection and when I think about the women who never gave him a chance because he wasn’t taller than they are, it is only my good breeding that stops me from doing an extremely ungracious IN!…

Oof. I think that’s the one type of misery that doesn’t love company. Also, your name is the best name.

Oh I walked away almost 20 years ago and never looked back. I’ve only seen her at funerals since the late 90’s. Unfortunately my brother was the one who was always trying to make it work, and he died before he figured out there were no magical words he could say to make her the mother he wanted her to be. That’s what…

Precisely. My mother thinks it’s just the saddest most tragic coincidence ever that BOTH her children ended up being ungrateful life-ruining assholes who left home and never looked back mere days before she and her red solo cup of a husband could kick us out on our 18th birthdays. WE were the broken ones, not my…