I’m pretty sure he’s actually a cocker spaniel.

A real American would know that.

Anyway, if I’m putting any antlers on the table, they’re gonna be real. None of these poseur antlers for me. I’m taking down Bambi’s mom and then making her head the centerpiece of my turkey dinner.

They’re yet another sign of Russia’s infiltration and perversion of American values.

No thanks. I’m buying this $85 rock from Nordstroms with which I will hit myself repeatedly to unconsciousness until 2020.

Dear Ina,