And don’t forget to listen to his album of Halloween music while you’re at it!

The problematic term is “Chinese Restaurant Syndrome.” “Umami” is totally fine.

#janstice4jan

My only experience of Bubble Guppies is their ride in Mall of America, which is called, no joke, the Bubble Guppies Guppy Bubbler.

I don’t think this is quite analogous because it’s generally much easier to give a guy an orgasm. Like, men pretty much always get off during penetration, and women often don’t. So for a man, oral sex is a fun extra way he can orgasm, but for a woman, not getting it may mean she doesn’t get an orgasm during that…

My 5-year-old is a big fan of Odd Squad, a lightly surreal PBS series about child special agents solving weird crises with math. Said 5-year-old is also kicking ass at kindergarten math, and whenever I compliment her on her math skills, she says something to the effect of, “Duh, Mom, you know I watch Odd Squad!” She…

Marnie, do you actually... enjoy jelly beans? I’m not here to stump for Brach’s (which are terrible) or anything, but your vivid description of how much you loathe jelly bean shells on the first slide makes me think that maybe you should’ve handed this one off, even though you’re usually the Candy Knower around here.

I think they missed an opportunity by not making the hunters and victims all conservatives (or liberals). Elites hunting the normal people whose values and anxieties they claim to be in tune with seems like it would have more satirical bite.

Exactly. It’s like how when people say that grammar and language shouldn’t change, they mean that it should have stopped changing at the moment they learned it.

I really wanna know what the “failed attempt” he mentions consists of. If he only wants her to wear a fake cast while sitting around for a couple hours, how on earth does anyone fail at that? Either she hates the idea/sensation of wearing a cast, or fulfilling his fetish is a lot more involved than he’s presenting it a…

First-degree criminal sex acts are class B violent felonies in New York! He could still get the minimum sentence of 5 years, of course, but he'll have to spend most of it in jail.

It would be more important than ever to determine whether a hot dog is a sandwich, because if they are, then all sandwiches would be dangerous disease vectors!

Did whoever picked that header photo know about your inability to casually wear a beret?

$6 a pound? Psssh, that’s child’s play! Never forget the time Gwen’s husband spent $16 a pound on beans for a goddamn cassoulet—a preparation that ensured nobody could tell the difference.

Ah yes, placebo highlighters!

Yes, how dare a critic write a mildly negative review of something other critics liked!

This is a really minor example, but when my husband and I get soft drinks while we’re out to eat, most of the time the server gives me his Sprite and him my Coke. It would never have occurred to me that these sodas are gendered, but here we are.

For some unfathomable reason, the MOA Rainforest Cafe was a “cool” place to eat before dances when I was in high school, so I’ve been there (well, to the old first-floor location) a few times. It is indeed fine! It feels like the most MOA of the MOA restaurants, which I basically mean as a compliment.

Okay, cool, but when are we gonna get a Callan reboot??

If it helps, I squeeze lime juice on it too if I have a lime around.