I wish! Our officiant, who is also a groomsman, was like "OMG CAN HE BE THE RING BEARER" but I think I'd be worried about 1) poop, 2) a penguin swallowing my rings and 3) poooooooop.

You don't need to get divorced. Just renew your vows!!

If Danny Devito were at my wedding, I'd really be afraid he'd run around naked and poop on the dance floor, but that's probably because I've watched way too many episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

We're getting married at the National Aviary in Pittsburgh. It's one of the MOST affordable places to get married in a big city from the catering costs to the actual venue rental. Plus the guests get to check out all the exhibits (minus the Tropical Forest because if we wanted to open that up, it costs extra and is…

Look, I'm getting a penguin at my cocktail hour so I'm clearly a special snowflake (as is every bride who gets married at my venue since it's only $100 more on top of the venue rental which is pretty small potatoes when you're planning a wedding; if you don't let your parents invite two random friends, the penguin is…

I was in a sorority and lived in the sorority house for three years. The first year, we didn't have enough girls to fill the house so we found sub letters to share with us. 2/3 of them were fine. The third. Oh god the third.

They actually have this for shoes. It's called ShoeFitr.

When I was in high school, my male cousin lived a few towns over and was just a year older than me and my friends. This provided ample opportunity for my friends and I to meet boys who didn't go to our high school and for him and his friends to meet girls who didn't go to theirs. My one friend ended up dating one of…

I was on both. My sex drive decreased with Nuvaring but went back to normal with the Mirena. Considering Yasmin made me a sex-crazed hyena with suicidal thoughts and I'd never before had a history of mental illness and was pretty even keeled, I was ok to accept the decreased sex drive with Nuvaring.

I also want to tell you that I'm BLUE. Does this mean I should mate with someone who will make pretty color with me? Like, we could make Green and I like Green. I also like purple so maybe I can go with a RED?

Did Chris Martin write that Coldplay son about YOU?

GIVE ME BACK MY FEEESH!!!

I've tried a few different kinds, but for cost's sake and because I honestly love them all, I get the Whole Foods brand Scottish style smoked salmon.

I eat smoked salmon on half a bagel with creamy goat cheese and arugula/spinach every morning while drinking my cappuccino. It is my ritual and I will smack your face lightly, point my finger at you, and say "No," if you try to get between me and my breakfast.

"Never knew you wanted"? I wanted this the first time I heard there was a new song called "Fancy."

I just watched Perks of Being a Wallflower last night and continued to bawl for about 15 minutes after it ended.

Noooo. It's Captain Jack Harkness! (He'll be Malcolm when he's a bit older).

Honestly, that is exactly something my grandma would say...

This is, literally, the worst outfit to bike in. Chafing. Exposed panties. Ugh.

I'd cast her as Taena Merryweather.