I was going to push a jade egg up my chocha and then saw a picture of Attractive Gwyneth Paltrow and said: aw hell no. I’m just going to wait for an uglier, less successful woman to sell me an expensive, one-way ticket to vaginal bacteria-palooza.

Which bastard renamed it?

I was responding to the following comment: “I’m not inclined to excuse him because of his age or military experience. We don’t do that with the elderly people in this country.”

I’m a horrible person who has a special place reserved in hell for me, complete with a velvet rope and a disco ball, because I was distracted by the picture as I read the headline and thought it said “Prince William Opens Up About the Loss of His Hair.”

Then he’d try to have sex with you, so...

I need to post this again, because it’s my new favourite thing. Look at these bitches shading the fuck out of Trump! I love it so much.

And Zaphod Cheetolbrox does his “I’m right here” hand thing, then tries his handshake bullshit. Macron stops him, this gives him the “You did your best, sport” arm pat.

Trudeau: I saw your handshake with Trump yesterday. So masterful. Is your grip always so firm?

E.L. James is furiously taking notes.

It is a common indicator of early onset Alzheimer’s when a person doesn’t remember what happened today, but say, remembers what happened 3 months ago, as if it was today. Later as the disease progresses, they may remember 20 years ago as if it was today. And so on. It’s a hell of a disease. I just can’t believe that…

I am literally shaking with fear and rage. My bipolar disorder will cause any premium I pay to increase by 208%. I ALREADY can’t afford the premiums.

You have to be a special kind of asshole to refuse funeral services to someone. I have heard of churches doing this, too. This person’s loved ones are experiencing soul-crushing grief. You don’t have to be the humanitarian of the year to show some compassion.

Isn’t this also the part where they have kids and she comments that their unborn must like sex because it moves?

Is this the part where he purposefully “puts” hickeys all over her chest area so she can no longer wear bikinis to the beach? As a “punishment” for going topless for like, five minutes? How romantic, you guys. Let’s all swoon together!

As someone with family in South Korea, what the everloving fuck, is this?!

When he f*** me good I take his ass to Red Lobster but obviously we’re here tonight so...

At least it didn’t ruin his hair.

I suspect that at least 10% of Leave voters specifically wanted to keep the French out of England.