does this mean I’ll have to stop with the cat-shit facials when I’m pregnant?? :( :( :(

Yup. I ate my body weight in sushi at least twice while I was pregnant and WeePiglet is fine. They’re supposed to have three arms, yes?

No one tell him about jazz cigarettes. He might go mad.

So is Dane Cook, but I don’t need him in my life.

ok, Volkswagen Guy.

Hi everybody! It’s Saturday night, and I’m drinking Stoli blueberry and club with blueberries I got today at Wal-Mart. And I’m home watching Penn State - Rutgers (let’s go lions!) so it’s a quiet night at Pumpkin Andy’s Wine Bar and Cat Palace. Cheers, my every Saturday friends!

It’s not much, but a side I recently discovered that is really, really good is roasted Brussels sprouts. I halve them, drizzle them in olive oil and salt/pepper, then stick them in the oven at 420 (blaze it) until they’re crispy and golden.

Honestly, if I could control her life, I would pack her off to a Swiss sanatorium for a year for nothing but detox and therapy, than buy her a nice little coffee bar with a great staff and let her promote that. This is a person who cannot deal with more stress and all she gets is stress.

When I was younger and stupider, I thought that taking drugs would help unleash some locked up creative genius and I would write and write and write and after a while (when I’d inevitably run out of money) I’d emerge, convinced what I had written were the raw words of a pure artistic talent.

You know what? I was in the dating pool for years and eventually came to realize there will always be a subset of guys I can figure out no use for besides fucking. That is wrong and bad and stupid, I know, but it’s my truth. I don’t like it, because I don’t believe that there are men out there worth only fucking, so I…

This guy sounds like he would suck in bed. Just a gut feeling.
“i respect you too much” translation “I told my girlfriend I wasn’t going to be out late” ewwwww to the max.
And his burglary charge?!?!?! You want to bring this guy into your house!

Plus, they are generally terrible at sex and don't go down because no one has ever bothered to let their pretty selves know there is a skill involved to sex over and above looking hot.

You guys. I grew up with an addicted narcissist rageball mother and no dad. I took care of my whole household, got abandoned or kicked out on the regular, and talked my mom out of killing herself more times than I can remember. I didn’t get to have any normal when I was growing up, and because of that I didn’t really…

And then he starts to tell me about how Donald Trump would make a great president.

I mean, live your life. If he’s hot and you both wanna, go hog wild.

In Canada school starts after Labour Day. It is so weird to me that school starts in summer vacation for some people!

Wait, so you went to public school wearing a private school uniform?

In first grade, I don’t remember what happened but my first grade teacher, Mrs. McCarley, threatened to paddle every single one of us until whoever did The Thing confessed to doing it. (This was the 80s, so paddling was still a thing.) I did NOT do the thing, and I sure as hell wasn’t getting paddled for it, so I went…

First day of high school, I knew no one there, and a clique of cool kids start picking on me. I just take it until we go to the locker room in the basement at the end of the day. Head bossy girl decides she is going to push me. I proceed to slam her into a locker, put her in a headlock and tell her if she ever touched…