Finally, the first legitimate chance that Pissing Contest could win Pissing Contest.

The first part of that video looked like a reenactment of me getting out of a sports bra without hooks.

I was visiting Rome and taking a bus with some friends when we started talking to a nun who couldn't have been older than 25. She was from Seattle, and had just gotten to Rome a few months before, so she was still acclimating, but knew her shit. We get to a stop, and a man snatches her backpack and tries to run off of…

I want to be Brangelina so bad just reading that description made me feel both jealous and like a total garbage person because I will never, ever be that perfect.

Ok, Jez, please change the headline to say:

I will be The GhostOfRiffRaffsCowboyBoots for Halloween.

Well, shit... I hope I don't get a visit from the FBI over this one.

During grad school I worked in a parking booth at the university hospital. It was usually a great job, I always took night shifts so that I was basically being paid to study. Nothing ever happened, really.

He wanted to take you higher.

At pretty much every blogging job I've ever had, I've been told (by male managers) that it'd be a death sentence to moderate comments and block IP addresses, because it "shuts down discourse" and guts traffic. But no one's ever shown me any actual numbers that support that claim. Does anyone have any? Not that I think…

Prior to Kinja, I headed the trollpatrol team for Jezebel, as many people here know. We dealt with rape gifs, violent pornography, racism, and harassment regularly, but there was a system in place with which to have it reported and dealt with. Banning didn't usually result in the same person immediately making a new…

I have several, but let's start with the happy one.

My housemates have a couple of cats. They're indoor outdoor cats but they're nice enough cats. One night, I was working my way through a bottle of white wine, a joint, and a box of twinkies. (I was coming off a nasty break up, ok? Don't judge me.) I was, in a rare…

Ahhh I have a skunk story. This happened a couple of years ago and it was my first encounter with a skunk ever in my life. Because of this occurrence and the two times my dogs have been sprayed by them, I loathe skunks. I think they're horrid little animals.

"I will kill you, I will strip off your feathers, I will remove your head, feet, and internal organs, I will slather you in butter, shove dry bread, celery, herbs, and chestnuts up your ass, and then I will put. You in. My fucking. OVEN." The upside to screaming shit like this at geese in public is that asshole dudes…

I love farm raised homosexuals. Much better than those free-range homosexuals.

I have been known to cap off the odd evening out with an absurdly long walk home, if conditions permit. Returning on one occasion from some ludicrous social assignation or other, I was walking across London in the dead of night and was joined by a fox, which fell in beside me as if I were walking it (or as if we were…

A few years ago, in my free-wheeling salad days, I spent a few months backpacking through China before travelling down into northern Pakistan to teach English for six months. It was such a great adventure. I spoke about ten words of Mandarin, but man, I had fun. I especially loved Xinjiang, in the far west of China,…

This won't win the pissing contest because it's only partially about a crazy animal, but it's a cute story.

This isn't insane, but it gave me quite the reputation. I used to work coordinating a public health coalition. We did a lot of work with local politicians. One of the things that we would do is go on "Neighborhood Walks" which was largely asshole politicians walking through poor neighborhoods writing people up for…

So two years ago I was locked in an epic struggle with a chipmunk who made his home in my front flowerbed (I use that term loosely as my tiny tiny townhouse supports an even tinier yard). His second favorite thing to do was dig tunnels throughout the flowerbed and rip shit up. His favorite thing to do was fuck with…