Dear Heath,

I posses none of the qualities that you require.

I am lazy, thoughtless, self-absorbed, forgetful, and ... well ... I'm just plain awful.

On the bright side, my egregious faults and self-obsession will make your own ego seem insignificant by comparison. You will be on the receiving end of many "pity…

Or you just live in a different region with different cultural norms. Don't be a myopic prick.

I laughed because I would have cried otherwise.

hello everyone, i am stuck in the greys on gawker main, and need to put this somewhere in the black (sorry burt)

Justin Bieber 's Scientology baptism in Lord Xenu's jizz.

I worked for the COS for a very brief time. My ex-husband was a long-time member and tried to turn my children into Scientologists. When my son was 7 he enrolled him in a "bull baiting" course at the local HQ. I only found out about it after the damage had been done. Of course the kids were strictly forbidden to talk…

The next moment, Jenna Elfman started screaming at the photographer, "WHAT ARE YOUR CRIMES?!? HAVE YOU RAPED A BABY?!?!"

To the court I present Sam Kinison, rest his soul.

If Bruce Jenner gets that surgery he should give the doctors name to Ann Coulter.

While I was reading this, I saw Katy Perry in a WalMart commercial promoting her album. Indeed, wigs have been snatched.

BUT NO1CURR...BECAUSE BEYONCE

Is that a crack berry?

The NBA is now on full alert.

"Femi-nasties?" Did you think of that one all by yourself, or did it arise naturally from a conversation with other MRAs about how Nazis are just too cool and masculine to be associated with feminists?

She is currently one of my professors, and if I had to pick ONE person to be a fedral judge, she would be it. I am in awe of her brilliance, poise, and how she justs ~*knows*~ things. And she is so incredibly kind and fair. And she has a reverence for the judicial system and the Constitution that only comes from…

Not nothing, gender. And a vicious desire to play spite the black guy no matter how much harm it causes to the entire country in the meantime.

WHERE THE FUCK DID MY PENIS GO?! ITS GONE!!!! THEY TOLD US THIS WOULD HAPPEN WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN!?!

It is such a good feeling to know that I am not alone in my obsession with the X-Files. I saw Chris Carter at a film festival last year and almost lost my shit.

Because "don't use my music in advertising" being in a guy's will is something worth honoring.