I've acquired my great-great aunt's postcards from the early 20th century, and they're all either "cheaper letters" or "texts with pictures." I have some that weren't even signed, just "Merry Xmas from someone you know".

This is why I've been resisting getting a new cellphone for at least 4 years—because when you flash people your LG Cosmos (with a slide out keyboard!) they immediately realize you will answer their emails when you damn well feel like it.

Joining the "multiple blankets" chorus. My boyfriend suggested separate blankets for when he sleeps over since apparently I steal them in my sleep.

Although in this case, you're supposed to be offended by what used to be good old fashioned family fun and understand that Jim Crow was about more than separate water fountains (and that those attitudes weren't limited to just the South).

I teach college composition. Last semester I assigned an article on Bugs Bunny and transvestism (as an example of how you can research *anything* and because most of them would have some familiarity with the character). We didn't end up having time to watch one of the cartoons mentioned, but in discussing the…

I think Frozen made the right choice with Anna and Elsa. Too many portrayals of sisters seem to forget that you can not understand each other or have disagreements but not be Bitter, Deadly Rivals (or Trite Greeting Card Poems). And the actual, secret villain is definitely an improvement over an Evil Snow Queen who…

I guess it's okay if you're trying to get her extra pregnant—you know, like how kittens in one litter can have multiple fathers—but otherwise it's sodomy.

"I find the most of erotic part of a woman is the boobies."

By some definitions, any non-procreative sex is sodomy, so everyone except the Duggars is a depraved sodomite.

Also, the more the substitute talks about themselves, the less school stuff you have to do!

When I still worked with high schoolers, I didn't bother. Mostly because I could remember that part of my ridiculous drama was the fact that no one understood the incredible suffering I faced as the first person ever to have feelings.

If you're going to give your daughter a college graduation gift, what would you rather give her—a Honda or the chance to make a decision about when she's ready to have a baby?

As a Honda Civic owner, I'm pretty sure it's not physically possible to have sex in the backseat. Well, with another person anyway.

See something, say something: when there's a news story or something from a friend about a public proposal or giant ring, comment on it. Or circumvent the surprise proposal and huge ugly ring by bringing up the subject of marriage yourself (I'm not sure how things went down, but I'm pretty sure my sister picked out…

Yeah, I did OKC last summer, and the first date was definitely the "Do you actually look like your picture/Are you an insufferable jackass?" stage. There were some people I found very attractive, but they were also total strangers from the internet at that stage.

I know this is supposed to be a story about tolerance, but we all know the star-bellied sneeches are better, right? I mean, they have stars upon thars!

I've decided that if I ever get engaged, I'd prefer to just wear my own, regular rings on my left hand so that 1)huge amounts of money aren't pissed away on a fancy rock and 2)accessorizing.

During our first phone conversation (and first non-text communication ever), my boyfriend said, "Our cats probably already hate each other."

The speaker on my boyfriend's Galaxy S4 has stopped working—the phone doesn't ring anymore and we figured out today that the speakersphone doesn't work.

Below the belt, you need some sort of scraping implement. A washcloth will work, but I've found the little squeegee that comes with Veet works much better. Especially since then you don't have to deal with a washcloth covered in half-melted Nair hairs.