Ask him what he wants your portmanteau couple name to be. That's what I did with my gentleman caller. He, uh, did not have a strong opinion on it, but he also did not dump me for being weird so it totally worked?

The last time we got Chinese food, my boyfriend got something like this in his fortune cookie.

This was my hell Sunday night—8:30pm flight was delayed until 1:42am and then cancelled at 2am when they couldn't find a pilot. I had to miss the first day of Spring classes. Unfortunately I'm the instructor, so I spent a few minutes at 3:30am waiting for a rental car and crying about what a fuck up I am and how my…

From my perspective nothing ever needs to be ironed.

I recently found out that a coworker's girlfriend irons his ties for him. That was the day I learned that you can iron tires and also the day I vowed that I'll die alone before I iron a god damned tie.

I skipped The Sound of Music, but I would totally watch the shit out of this.

Garden of Shadows reveals that they're also half-siblings. So I guess I was wrong; there is technically uncle fucking involved, but I feel like "half-siblings" trumps that.

I think people stopped "reassuring" me that I'd meet someone or asking if I'd met anyone because I would talk about how I was looking forward to spinsterhood. The key is to genuinely mean it so they don't want to talk to you anymore.

No, no, no, no—knit them a really nice scarf in secret so that if they dump you, you can sell it on Etsy with a really interesting description.

I corrected something in the article on cat vocalizations.

It varies. I've experienced a range from "Well, that was nice" to stock footage fireworks. (I'm a woman who can't get off during sex without tech support.)

I hate pointed toe shoes because they make my massive size ten feet look even longer.

SPOILER ALERT: Ma Dollanganger's not an uncle fucker! (Yes, I am ashamed of myself for not being able to remember the mother's name. I'll just help myself to these powdered donuts.

Read all of them. They only get more ridiculous and disturbing!

Are these damn kids today no longer convinced that if you have unprotected sex you'll get AIDS and die?

Was it The Miracle of Life? I think every student, male and female, vowed never to have children and possibly to never have sex the day we saw that video. Oh, for those innocent days when we passed around the fake breast and testicle to practice checking for lumps!

I would say as long as you're doing *something*, you're okay. I'm an adjunct English teacher, so I can't really take anybody else to task for poor career choices, but I've also done a lot of volunteer work during leaner times (and to make sure there was something on my resume).

I would say as long as you're doing *something*, you're okay. I'm an adjunct English teacher, so I can't really take anybody else to task for poor career choices, but I've also done a lot of volunteer work during leaner times (and to make sure there was something on my resume).

I have incredibly stereotypical PMS. I get irrationally angry, I cry for no reason, and I attempt to eat my weight in candy and/or Cheez-Its.

I am a wizard of filth, friend only to the pig and the rat.