May her subway cards be stuck in a “swipe again” loop forever.

May she wake up for the midnight pee and step on a Lego.

I see:

From the Fusion piece:

Oh gosh, sorry, I hope it didn’t come across like ‘The Toast did it first, you HACKS!’, I just thought people might like to read The Toast one as well because I enjoy Mallory Ortberg a lot.

Um, maybe because fathers are still publishing these masturbatory, self-congratulatory essays in earnest?

If you don’t know what it is, then how do you know it missed the mark?

right? like, curse this contract that obligates me to read every single one!!!!

it is very much not a joke and it is honestly rude of you to assume so

This should help. Kids love pictures!

Maybe if those kids got jobs they wouldn’t be so poor.

It’s good because the economy in Las Vegas is great and everyone is doing really well.

“If we can’t get 750, we respectfully thank you but we’re going to move on.”

Are you people going to do this on every post today?

I wouldn’t hate this show in particular so much if it wasn’t so relentlessly exploitative of the people who appear on it. So often there’s a husband who is obviously trying to help his wife through what he likely thinks is a psychotic break, and he has to sit there while that fucking scam artist Amy Allen tells the…

OT, but I just had a bunch of Jezebel and Gawker sub-blogs follow me and I just wanna say thank you. Is this happening for everyone who survived the Gawkapocalypse? I can comment on The Slot now and not be in the greys!

“I do have to go on the record and say she viewed you like a sister.”

We all know he’s lying.

I have a close friend who worked on Long Island Medium in editing and described it as the most soul crushing experience ever. He also thought that the woman was a piece of human trash for conning people. I imagine this is quite the same.