Alternate headline.

Missed opportunity.

Oh, sweetheart...

I’ll Debbie Downer this competition real fast.

We used to have middle school dances that began promptly at 7pm and ended at exactly 10pm. They were awkward as all hell and parents would be lined up by 9:45 to rescue their 13-year-olds from another second of grinding. The night had gone pretty well for me—got there an appropriate 15 minutes late, slobbered all over…

Mulan was a feminist who loved her family and fought to preserve her nations honor.

I nominate Gilbert Gottfried. Not only is he a white dude, the Asian markets apparently hate, hate, HATE his voice. Also, once he starts emoting, he looks kind of like an apple doll.

Mulan is by far the best and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

Shoutout to Mulan, my absolute favorite of the Disney “princesses”!!! Just throwing that out there.

Mark Schrayber is the only white Mulan I would accept.

Ya know, my family was always a Dove family and I was a pimple faced dweeb for a long time. THEN I joined the military. I used other shit because no way was I gonna be the grunt lathering himself up with a Dove beauty bar. Joining the military coincided with the end of my acne and until today I never made the damn…

As a teenager, I rubbed Dove soap on myself every morning and night, and also right before lunch and then mid-afternoon, and also right before cross-country practice, but then right after cross-country practice, and I would take a break from homework to rub Dove soap on myself, and sometimes even I had to leave in the…

Here’s the thing about this that was easy to miss in the segment: Part of the reason that rapists maintaining parental rights is important is not just because of the possibility of rapists gaining visitation/custody rights. (Obviously, that’s awful.) It’s also because rapists can use the threat of suing for custody as…

With the difficulty involved in even getting a rape case to trial, let alone a conviction, I think that this would be an unreasonable request (that there be a conviction). I do agree that prosecuting rape should be easier. We should be testing all rape kits — ideally immediately after they are collected, maybe…

Proposed alternate legislation from the GOP:

The logic is that rape doesn’t exist. There’s no custody issue if the father of the child did nothing wrong. And we all know rape is just this thing whiny women made up because misandry.

Well, we all know how lucrative it is for those sneaky, lying vagina-havers to cry rape, right? So what's to keep them from crying rape to keep a poor, innocent papa from seeing his baby?

“I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.”

I haven’t done this in awhile, but now seems as good a time as ever to do the Lord’s work. A few of my all-time favorite Gwyneth quotes:

my maternal grandfather was 4 when the genocide began and after his father was rounded up and killed, his mother fled with him and his infant sister. she walked tens of miles with both children until she came to a port where a boat from greece was supposed to dock and take the armenians out of turkey. the ottoman…