Once when I was a teenager a young woman we didn’t know left a message on our answering machine for her boyfriend, who we also didn’t know, that made it pretty clear she decided to have an abortion.

...whenyour friend whips out their phone and says, “I’m ‘gramming this!”

Time to get some gold star stickers and start rating my friends and family members. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it. Except for one-star Karl.

The Boy Scouts can’t even use the red cross for their first aid merit badge. When I was in scouts it was a white cross on a green background.

I’m okay with it as long as it’s bearded Riker.

I haven’t had any problems using regular noodles without boiling them as long as I make sure to have sauce in every layer.

Plastic bags. Duh.

“Well, we have so many different ones to choose,” Trump said. “I can tell you everybody would say, ‘Put Ivanka in, put Ivanka in,’ you know that, right? She’s very popular, she’s done very well, and you know Ivanka very well. But there really are so many talented people...”

“makes you feel like you’ve been called into the principal’s office to be read the riot act.”

One shot, one heal.

I personally refer to him as a Scooter-skinned hatemuppet.

Looks like the creepy souvenirs of a serial killer. I’m not saying Martha Stewart has murdered dozens of babies. I’m not saying she hasn’t either.

Dr. Mario: The worst pandemic the world has ever seen. And a man fighting it one pill bottle at a time.

What if your boss is only in a good mood when you’re not around?

I was talking about a back splice. I haven’t done one in a while, couldn’t remember the exact term and break was over so I didn’t look it up.

You could also splice the end, which requires nothing extra.

Great, now IKEA is trying to destroy my virtual marriage.

If you zoom in real close you can see him hit up up down down left right left right B A Start.

Fighter is the new black.

(Judging by the official Facebook page of the Oneida Nation, though, Zumba seems to be pretty popular at present, which, same.)