"I swear, sometimes it feels like you can't even masturbate yourself to fake-orgasm with a stiletto without tripping over a chocolate laundry hamper of brand new lady-myths!!!"

We need a female president ASAP.

I just can't believe that common sense had not prevailed over the past 3 decades here. Q: Is it healthier to eat something that can be made without chemicals or something that literally never expires? A: Oh, wait: 'Merica! Always looking for all the gratification and none of the consequences. Ironic now. Probably why…

Y'all. MSG is in a ton of stuff. Doesn't anyone read labels? I'm going to contact the "Ching-Chong Ding-Dong Foundation for Orientals or Whatever" and make sure they know they've been getting the shit-end of the stick. Americans. Pffft!

Am I the only who actually doesn't like the nun's voice at all?

Lulz

I just can't understand why she'd want to name Ashton Kutcher first. Not when you could have written Justin Timberlake or Adam Levine first. Or Heath Ledger!

Looks a lot like KKK propaganda flyers from the '50s.

See, dogs chew shoes. Cat's help model them. It's science.

I'm looking, I'm looking, and I'm looking... for someone to draw the regional, nominal and broadcasting correlations between both True Blood and True Detective and it's not there, so...

Right!

I'm a fan of Jon Hamm's Jon Hamm.

I'd bang him.

I made out with Shia LaBeouf's cousin in college when I was drunk.

I had a math professor in college who told our entire class over the course of several days that 1.82 rounds closer to 1 than 2. Similarly, examples like 14.9 rounds to 14 and 13.2 rounds to 14. I thought I had died suddenly and gone to Hell. "This is it," I said to myself, "I've gone to Math Hell," which considering…

"I'm not really into the whole Disney Princesses thing, but Disney Villainesses? I can get down with that."

Oooh my gosh - ultra-feminine or not, Zuhair Murad is always on point. This collection is to die for. I love it.

Oh, go change your Maple Leaf tampon, Royal Mounty Butthurt.

No, we bought it and we riched it. That's called Capitalism, O-Canada!

Look, y'all gave us Nickelback too. It's time you all took some responsibility for your actions/creative miscarriages.