Too bad society doesn’t actually give a fuck about those of us who desperately need help, and is instead focused on well-intentioned gestures that make us falsely feel better about ourselves.

I tried to imagine what I would do if a salon ruined my $270 shoes (because I don’t have $270 shoes), and I would certainly expect the service to be free and maybe some sort of free coupon, but I wouldn’t think of asking for the shoes’ cost to be covered, because I’d feel too much like an idiot for wearing those to a…

Or just a really convenient auto-correct.

Literally 100% of this is going on my Wishlist.

You forgot our boners on the 2nd list.

Agreed, although I am not actually really sure what “pop a hat” means.

Anyone know what it means to pop a hat? I am off to google...

YES! It was almost as good as actually being there to hear it!

It’s my favourite because too, not just for the accent but because it features someone I can only assume is called Dympna one of the most unfortunate Irish names.

“Keep that p***y tight while I’m gone.”

The way the story is told is half the story.

Did Simon do most of the work in the orgy, too?

“It’s like kissing a peanut!”

It’s the only time all season the Cubs will be anywhere near number 1.

That is THE WORST! So horrible I thought I was gonna puke.

HAAAAAAHAHAHA. Sorry that happened to you though.

HAAAAAAHAHAHA. Sorry that happened to you though.

Maybe they all found out they were the father!

Your first two paragraphs got me thinking that the misattributed quote that Madonna used was going to be, "Nobody cares about your stupid boner."

IT'S A FAKE BILLY EICHNER ACCOUNT, I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH!!!