Your budget is too conservative for a proper mid-life crisis, and nothing on that list would cause the requisite marital strife. That said, there’s still a way to get what you want while still going full-on Derpasaurus:

People will be suspicious about the big “Home Depot” logo on the door panels though

OUTCOME THREE: Write a letter to a well- semi- sometimes-respected blogger. Outline your concerns. Elicit sympathy. Get him to paint your tragic picture with his word-brush. Let him share it with his focused audience. Step one is complete.

It’s not from a BMW, BMW headlights are fully clear and do not have any light altering patterns on the lens themselves.

That is key to finding what car this is, and my guess, based off the markings we know is a current generation Honda Accord, 2013 plus.

Here, compare the two.

I bought those headlights from mopar accessories for my 2015 wrangler, they exist

Cordless Ratchet. One of my most used tools.

In fairness they tried to arrest Bruce but he was nowhere to be found.

BEHOLD.

Every Ford SUV of this era has the same crack in the hatch:

Doctor’s also report that he was able to remember to “Pass it to Kobe.”

Convert one of the mine buildings into an interdisciniplary church/mosque/temple and wait for the dust to settle

First rule of VAG, never talk about cheatclub.

Not a car, but still, 700cc two stroke race bike, because living for too long is for wimps

I daily drove a late 90s Volkswagen for 14 consecutive years without ever being left stranded once. Wolfsburg had a whole team of technicians trying to figure out how that was possible.

“Мы вас похороним!”

-General Secretary Rodzher Karlovich Goodell, CPNFL, to Deadspin

“Hi, I’m Andrew Collins, and I have DirecTV.”

The last VW story, I promise.