Having watched exactly one episode of this show (the door spitting one) I can definitively say that I would not, could not bone these dudes.

sandoval is a yes but also i feel like he’s the kind of guy to pull the American Psycho doggy-with-mirror-so-he-can-flex-at-himself move while boning

He is the worst one on there. And 2015/16 Jax is on there.

Max is genuinely cute (pro). Likely a chronic underachiever though (con). Maybe he’s waiting around for his parents to die (hmmm...smart—pro), though Pandora will likely have a sharp lawyer and make off with most of the estate (con).

Scheana CANNOT be the victor here. I have to remain team Ariana, reluctantly.

That’s a whole box of self-loathing I can’t even begin to comprehend. And if you’re that easily suckered by an accent, just fuck Max!

Literally one minute after I voted, and now I need to go cry in the shower, Tobias Fünke-style.

C’mon Maddie, I’m a big boy and can manage two contrary emotions at once. Creed was a shitty band. I wish Scott Stapp the best in dealing with his addiction and mental illness.

He made it seem like he was too busy at SUR/the hair salon/the gym to keep up with it. Blech. I bet all of his glasses have a protein powder crust. And his socks...

I’ve never really watched this show but it feels like the LA version of the Jersey Shore. Since I have also never watched the show, I feel I am absolutely qualified to give these gents new nicknames!
Human STD
OMG get a grip girl!
Spencer Pratt
Wannabe Matt Bomer
I actually feel really bad for Shay. No nicknames for Shay.
W…

He looks like the bro-version of Fred Flintstone now.

I have a huge crush on Schwartz and I wouldn’t kick Sandoval out of bed. Ideally, we’d have a threesome and then go to brunch after where they ignore me and make goo goo eyes at each other.

Two thoughts:

“The white fucking Kanye West,” is perhaps the unsexiest thing a person can say. Also proof of dangerous levels of megalomania.

I am genuinely concerned for you Ellie. I’ve side-eyed many of your “would You’s” but this one just seems like a cry for help.

“Global warming? Pfft. I’ll be dead by then. Not my problem."

Emma Thompson is a goddamn queen, is what she is

I propose Emma Thompson’s recent suggestion:

Realistically, there’s only one way that the old and white Academy is going to diversify.

Chris Isaak is a few months from 60. I’d still jump his bones from 12 different directions.