I’ll probably be in 800 acres in Texas in the middle of nowhere. Off the grid in a self-sustaining community, just living with no power. Like this is fun and all, but technology is just killing me, man.

These guys may be the only team defeated by the Magic all year. 

“That’s a cool trick, Anna. But let me show you how to make a first round pick disappear.” -Vlade Divac

You, I, Mark Whalberg, and every goddamned person reading this is fully and completely aware of the glaring omission in the 90 minute shower description. I’m glad you didn’t include it, but we all know.

I bet you regret getting the Japanese symbol for “I can eat 50 eggs” tattooed on your left arm, huh?

People from Cleveland hate the Yankees because they’re normal people, not because they think there’s a rivalry between the two cities.

You’d think a hardscrabble, no-nonsense, blue collar town wouldn’t just throw away perfectly good batteries. 

“DADDDDYYYYYY DIDNT GIVE ATTENTIOONNNNNNN”

STRIKE!

A Michigan State fan looking the other way as a young athlete is abused?  Not exactly breaking news.

This is good baseball.

Has a cooler name ever been wasted on a bigger dipshit? 

A good way to disprove his collusion allegation is to go out of your way to remove him from an officially licensed product.

Ohio State Football: “Man, what a terrible day.”

If he doesn’t hear it already, he’s going to hear a ton of it from his friends moving forward about how hot his mom is.

Dale Hansen is a goddamn treasure and should run for senate or president or some shit.

That’s nothing - I’ll be working at my job until I’m at LEAST 65. And I don’t even like it!