Apropos of nothing when I was in high school the cool thing for the football players to do was take shits with the stall door open in the bathroom that everyone had to walk past to get to the lockers/showers.

Any kind of small business owner (restaurant/retail/whatever) hates Yelp. Where is my website where I can rate shitass customers?

Counterpoint: Nah. 

Letting the pig die with dignity and grace would be the right thing to do (it’s a pig after all), but hey fuck it right! How would the owners continue to monetize their 464,000 Instagram followers and continue to write bestselling books?

Being drunk and going to the wrong door shouldn’t be a death sentence for anyone.

You definitely should have laughed it off and played it cool in the restaurant only to accost him once he was outside. 

I would have said the college football season started on Saturday, when there were 4 games featuring 6 FBS schools, but what the fuck do I know? 

Yeah, I realize I should have put ranked/power 5, but fuck it! Anyway, the season doesn’t start till the first ranked team plays. Got it. 

Maybe football should be eliminated entirely from all schools except those in the Power 5 since those games obviously don’t count to you? 

Like two ships passing in the night. 

The Kirkland Signature one ain’t bad.

Gin + lime juice with ice in a rocks glass is all you really need.

Fuck you. 

Also coattails but mostly coat tales.

Gillum is going to win and he’s gonna drag Ben Nelson over the line on his coat tales. 

Beat me by a minute. 

Just say something like “Since it looks like you’re single now would you want to go on a date or have some no-strings attached casual sex later?”

I was on a non-smoking train from Paris to Vienna once and I guess to tide him over between stops the dude sitting in front of me kept taking small bites of an unlit cigarette and eating it.

It’d be cool if I didn’t get at least 30 minutes of voicemail fax transmissions on the main office line once a week. 

Children are human beings and not, you know, animals, but whatever.