The next time she sees Paul Ryan she should be like:

DD guy would actually be a pretty good option, he’d likely leave the parks alone since he’s a hunter and outdoors-man.

No one has ever accused Trump of understanding economics.

It is ironically notable that Trump’s vision of forcefully fellating all the oil from the country would drive oil prices lower and continue to crush his BFF Vladdy the Daddy Putin’s economy.

Has Ted Danson ever been bad in anything? I discovered Damages right after watching Bored to Death and was amazed at how good he was at being a such piece of shit in Damages while being such a lovable goof in Bored to Death. I can’t wait to watch him in this.

Bobby, you are like the research librarian i would go talk to in grad school when I needed information on a particular topic and the librarian would come up with more than i ever thought i needed to know.

I have seen so many tabloid covers screaming about the rumored divorce of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt that news of their actual divorce hit me not like a ton of bricks, but like a gentle dusting of old, scraped off grout from in between a ton of bricks.

Pssssssst: it’s because it’s not his money. That’s the benefit, is that he’s not paying.

hibernation pod

HA! -- dead

Makes sense, she can’t stay with someone for too long. Otherwise they start asking questions about how she never ages and needs permission to enter people’s homes.

You are so right about the toddlers with guns crisis in the USA:

At this point I think that anyone actually afraid of terrorists is a wimp. How many times do we need to say that armed toddlers killed more Americans last year for the insanity to wear off?

If I had a bowl of skittles and I told you three would kill you. Would you take a handful?

Seriously. Theirs was rhe most impressive statement of restraint and integrity I’ve seen come out of the political sphere in weeks. From fucking Skittles.

Fucking Joe Walsh, who wants credit for this? Skittles look like a paragon of statesmanship relative to these buttholes, honestly.

America: you have just two skittles to choose from, and one will DEFINITELY KILL YOU.

She shot him because she wasn’t “having cooperation” from him.