I'm pretty sure a blood pressure measuring device would substitute for this.
Ice
For desktops some cases come with a cable lock that takes up and expansion card slot. You loop something like your mouse through the slot then use a kensington to keep them from getting inside the case.
Google that car's problems. ex you would find out that for duramax engines made in certain years the fuel injectors will need replaced eventually. That is an extra $2000 (diesel motor) so avoiding those problems is always nice and you can learn what may be broke even if it is minor.
Don't forget the power supply, some cards are really a fan of the juice
Look at the games you run to see, Crysis is very graphicly intense and will test the GPU.
Get more sensitive headphones, headphone amp?
Just a thought but maybe it would be possible to set an IR blaster to turn the tv off if your programs support it. I haven't heard of any doing this it is just my random idea.
"I haven't found a whole lot that is offered for power users like me, people who want to get work done."
They make little humidifying packs not sure if that would make it o the air plain or not but you could check them out at the store my friend keeps them in the guitar case. (dorm rooms are dry)
You may know this already but try disabling the catalyst ai the ati cards used to really shoot themselves in the foot with this.
The resolution is the issue not the physical size but what HeartBurnKid said is correct a modern card should have no problem.