I want to get inside Ellie from Brooklyn’s head. She’s got some hot existential takes - “the basis of our lives is our beliefs” and “People don’t live their lives on an ideological wavelength” - and decides, on September 12th, to call into Mike and the Mad Dog to share them.

Doug Evans, the company’s founder, would compare himself with Steve Jobs in his pursuit of juicing perfection. He declared that his juice press wields four tons of force—“enough to lift two Teslas,” he said.

In the last 24 hours, the Celtics went down 0-2 to a laughable Bulls team, Aaron Hernandez committed suicide, and Gronk yukked it up with a propaganda minister nobody respects.

why do we have to do this

LOL. Not in the Pro Bowl, they don’t.

Yup, a milder PSA about the benefits of not wearing seat belts is definitely the way to go.

Always easy to tell who didn’t read the post.

Congo on the quad

Since Eli Manning is a bazillionaire and is small-time scamming people with fake memorabilia i would say yes, it is an indictment of his character.

Eli’s just upset these messages were intercepted, but really he shouldn’t be surprised.

This is the same shit Peyton did when he tried to sell his worn uniforms.

It’s the Browns. This is like Schrödinger’s Draft Pick. Whoever they choose has a 50% chance of being a dead cat.

If history is any judge of future success, I think it’s fair to say the Cleveland Browns know exactly what they’re doing with their first round pick.

Sleepytime tea is bullshit. Narcotic sleep aids only.

How many minutes do you think it’ll take him to get kicked out of the next bar? I figure four.

“one of Fort Wayne’s best.”

“What advantages does this war have over, say, an ethnic cleansing, which I could also afford?”

Penn State, demonstrating that relentless Paas rush

That’s a grade-A coup-de-grace by Jones there. “Motherfucker, we’re doing THE SAME THING right now.”

Or you can always go ...