I would give in to the urge to trot out another horse pun, but I'm too stable.

"Dammit, I should have run for president!"

It's a sad state of affairs. If JC came back in America today, I don't think he'd make it 33 years before being handed over to Pilate.

It's because he's terrible at being terrible, as opposed to being terrifically terrible.

Last good one was…Eisenhower? But my dumbass conservative friends are still taking credit for Lincoln. He fought a war to preserve federal authority - that isn't exactly small government.

And the biggest editorial college win since Reagan!

Alright but you'd better not fall in Love…Courtney.

Oh snap! Ratings burn! I love me some Colbert, but I thought he was destined to be Letterman to his Leno, at least from a ratings perspective.

Tell me, do you remember the 90s?

Something something conservative snowflakes!

Speak for yourself. I'm a 25 year old power lifter.

Star Wars is bullshit. I only like hard sci fi.

Ray was never better than on Dr Katz! His sitcom was mediocre but that early stand up had a goofy, weirdo vibe that cracked me up.

How to date Kellyanne Conway

It was a test, and you passed [Slow clap]!

You're fine, as long as your body is shaped like TARS.

I told you before, I'm retired. I'm out. I'm done. Not even One Last Score Worth All the Marbles could draw me back into the game. Okay I'll do it!

It's always a safe space when it comes to getting the animal kingdoms right.

The French are just THAT serious about their baking.

There's a great Onion article about that titled something like "I respect the military and police more than anything, but I need my 2nd amendment right in case I ever need to slaughter them."