Promotion: First 10,000 Rockies fans get Dingers on their cars!

“I have a cheese shredder. That’s the positive name for it... ‘cheese shredder.’ Nobody ever calls it by its negative name... ‘sponge ruiner!’ Because I wanted to clean it. Now all I have is little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips.” - Mitch Hedberg

“Act like you’ve been there before”

Oh, but when I pour a drink all over a server I get fired from my job. Fucking IT department is no fun.

Story that I heard is that JR was smoking cigars in the GSW locker room with a wrestling championship belt over his shoulder. The security guard told him to put the cigar out and you can’t smoke in there.

Also, your cops like to shoot innocent poor people.

Hopefully not, otherwise I’m going to get fired if I keep walking around the office with a throbbing erection from reading these articles

Only 70 to go until I’m satisfied.

“I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow shit.”

“I got a fire alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. ‘Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle.’”- Mitch Hedberg

Dan Gilbert: What if I put a remote-controlled fart machine under our coach’s seat?

How is Dan Gilbert’s fart machine not the lede here, Kevin?

That’s the spirit! There’s always the next game!

I think that we all deserve an apology for that comment.

Underrated and overrated are the worst categories in sports journalism. “Is Steph Curry’s defense better or worse than your perception of the public’s perception of Steph Curry’s defense?”

Why has no one ever pointed out that the University of South Florida isn't in south Florida? I'm the first one to notice this, right?