HERP DERP I AM ABOVE INSULT

DO YOU ALSO CHORTLE WHEN SAYING THE WORD "FIRESTONE"

HAHAHA OMG AUTO NERDS CALLING EACH OTHER FANBOYS YES

"For $5000, Match.com will take $5000 from you."

Part of Deadspin's annual "SHAME ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH US" series

PLZ PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE WORLD CUP THEN OLYMPICS HAPPENING IN YOUR COUNTRY TAKING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS THEN LEAVING TONS OF POINTLESS STADIUMS IN THE RAINFOREST, THANKS

BTW I fucking give you guys shit for everything all the time but I am seriously feeling that slight pang of nationalist pride at this point:

Jozy Altidore has to be the fucking man this cup. No more landon around to bail us out in the closing minutes. Dempsey needs to be Dempsey and Jozy has to go to a new level. How amazing would it be to bring home the world cup and have the entire planet hate us yet again?

Is offense really our problem, though? Last cup Ghana murdered us on runs, including that fucking ridiculous bender right over howard's head with two defenders split...i wanted to cry. We need defense. I think that's the thought here, but i admit my opinion is a bit novice and surely some soccer expert will come…

Who the hell wants to be in canada? come on buddy. that's not their fault.

I think i'd probably bang her.

This article lost me at "we all owe police officers a debt of gratitude"

tl;dr - i'm a shitty reporter BECAUSE I DIDN'T FIND OUT ANY IMPORTANT FUCKING FACTS ABOUT THE MISSILE BUT LOL OMGNAME

I like that it started in 2006, and then four years later he FINALLY got it working.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"I smoke, I drank, I'm supposed to stop because I keep getting wasted and sending dick pics and the judge granted a restraining order."

"Honestly, this whole post was just an excuse to post The Game's Instagram captions, because these are the best captions ever."

I had a girl named jessica cheat on me and leave me for another guy SO I BET THIS IS TRUE DOWN WITH ALL PEOPLE NAMED JESSICA (apparently "down" on everyone)

it's great because it means i'm more likely to get away with beating my wife

Guys...the article is written by someone named "W. Bradford Wilcox." THAT GUY IS GOING TO BE AN ASSHOLE NO MATTER WHAT PLEASE DO NOT READ