I have the wonderful combination of incredibly stiff hips and incredibly weak abs. I can’t sit on the floor with my legs crossed because I lack the hip flexibility, but I can’t sit on the floor with my legs straight because I lack the core strength to keep my torso upright. Basically, my only option on the floor is…

I look forward to crazy people complaining that her missing the Whitehouse visit is yet another instance of Douglas being a self-centered, unpatriotic monster because reasons that are totally, really you guys, unrelated to race and gender.

You young hip people, with your getting out even occasionally and knowing people.

There’s some respectable dim sum in Chinatown. For example, Triple Crown is pretty good.

We’re on the same page about the Chinese, though, right?

I wish it were forty degrees in Chicago. Autumn has basically disappeared over the last few years - we’ve spent Octobers in the seventy-somethings(!) - and it’s only now starting to dip down into the sixties this year. We had one good snow last winter and that was it. Also, I have never, ever met someone who…

You bonk-mad, bro?

One of the reasons that it’s rare to hear a man put so much effort into claiming he hasn’t slept with 12,000 women is that it wouldn’t take much effort for most guys to convince people that they haven’t. (Typical Guy: “I haven’t slept with 12,000 women.” Public: “Yeah, of course you haven’t.”)

But that set wasn’t contraband; she was importing it for personal use.

That’s why you’re supposed to be at the airport three hours early: to leave time for the question and answer portion of the sex toy seminar.

Or her life, too, is about to become a fart joke. (I haven’t listened to the song, so it’s possible that the context of this lyric supports one interpretation over the other, but I’m pretty confident it’s the fart one.)

I think you might be confusing her with William Shakespeare. (No shame; the other day, I was all excited to see Ibsen in the check-out line at 7-Eleven, but it turned out he was just Miley Cyrus.)

I understand that this is how humans operate - aging one year per year, starting at birth, until they are adults - but I would like to propose a new rule that this practice cease. Celebrities who were introduced to the public as children should remain children. Some of us are starting to feel very old. (I also object…

Although I have never molested children, that is also my game plan. (I’m just so far behind on all my tv shows!)

What is this from?! I know it’s an Eddy Murphy movie, and thus almost certainly terribly, but just this few seconds makes me want to see it so much!

I wonder how many bathrooms they had. (I mean, more specifically than “not enough.”)

Nothing except first-person experience seems to persuade people nowadays. I bet, right this moment, there are anti-vax message boards Sandy-Hooking the shit out of this woman’s story.

Hooray for rotavirus! Nothing brings more clarity on the importance of taking what measures we can to control what little we can control in this crazy world (through such means as vaccines) than vomiting uncontrollably while pooping uncontrollably.

“Fuck you, article lady.”

This could also be the precise moment when she realized that her rotavirus-induced bowel movement is not going to wait patiently enough for her to make it to a bathroom. (It’s amazing how many scenarios this expression fits. For example, this is also a solid “right after CEO makes slightly racist joke in…