I’m confident the next call will be the one, though. You’ll finally get your ticket to “Jury Duty: The Slakening.”

“Ben, we recently received information that has made your campaign unworkable: everyone (a demographic that includes likely voters) hates you. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.”

So is the idea to dress like a child laborer in an undeveloped nation? Like, in solidarity?

Oh, I know; I’m just seizing the opportunity to talk about horse-fucking. (At risk of betraying my field of employment, I’ll say that this topic doesn’t usually come up during the day. But I’ve said too much.) As for those royal Irish horse-fuckers, who knows? After all, there was that documentary a few years ago, Zoo,…

We couldn’t get Parker Posey, so we opted to have no one reading in our (now former) condo. We considered having me read in a chair, but since even with my glasses I would never be able to actually read a book at a distance of more than about four inches (bravo, Parker, with your super eyes), this would just have…

I think it most likely was just a myth with respect to our ancient Babylonian Semiramis, too, since the anatomy of a male horse is... not entirely compatible with the anatomy of a female human.

If so, that’s a ballsy move by Clinton, since it seems incredibly dangerous to her physical safety. I mean, the GOP convention has been a four-day exploration of the theme that Clinton is a treasonous criminal whose election would prove the illegitimacy of elections in general and would spell the literal end of…

Fun bit of trivia: the horse rumor was (depending on what historian you ask) started by pissed-off members of the Polish nobility in exile in Paris, and was inspired by a similar legend about Semiramis, a powerful Babylonian queen copulating with a stallion. Just goes to show, people have always insisted in comparing…

Man Rule #1: The only acceptable physical interaction between post-pubescent males is combat. Any contact that is potentially pleasant or suggests affection of any kind is sexual.

It’s okay, I’ve seen this before. Turned out it was just a bad dream.

And cultural titan Stacey Dash. She’ll win him the African-American vote.

Sean Hannity has POSTERS?!

If you squint, it looks like he’s maybe saying that we all know Roger is sick. And that he has some trouble with subject/verb agreement. (Which is the verb’s fault, though, since every verb knows that to get a subject to agree to it, certain sexual favors must be given. It’s just the way of the world, baby-doll-verb.)

Which one’s the horse’s ass?

What are the odds that people who are outraged about Trump supporters being humiliated for their political beliefs by being refused service wouldn’t feel the same about gay people being humiliated for their sexual orientation by being refused service by, say, wedding venders?

Patronizing? Offensive? You must not have read the part about how every time she feels out of place at a Hollywood party, she “tr[ies] to remember a smiling gap-toothed child with HIV whose greatest joy was to sit on [her] lap and drink from a bottle of Coca-Cola.” I think you owe someone an apology.

I just assume that she called herself “skinny white muzungu with long angel hair.” Everyone else called her “Louise.”

Whereas democrats could effectively campaign for, say, freedom of choice using only four-letter words. (“Vote Baby-Pill, Lady!”)

Bullet necklaces aren’t feminine enough. Katrina is about to get herself mean-girled out of the campaign.

Also, wouldn’t the measurements be thrown off by the rivers of sweat pouring into the stream off of their faces?