I like to live life on the edge. I’m a thrillseeker. I fight white tigers. I save bread. But I don’t produce monogrammed thermoses, that’s just too dangerous for me.

Spring-Powered Clown Trapped in a Cube

“We asked for urine samples. We got three feces samples, two saliva, and one severed hand.”

We are from the west coast and were visiting my in-laws in the east. We were driving and starting to talk about lunch when all of a sudden we saw a Chic-fil-a, and I was like “OOH, let’s go there!” and my mother-in-law gives me a cold “we don’t support Chic-fil-a”. Soooo dissapointed. Slunked down in the back seat and…

The people insisting “dipped” is at all self-explanatory and the rest of us are morons for not knowing this bizarro regionalism are making me want to set something on fire.

In my fantasy, Raven is the hostess, and banishes rude patrons into a garbage portal. Azerath metrion zinthos!

I have a really, really mean customer who always orders the same thing, and it always comes to $6.66. Every damned time, week after week, she looks scared when she sees the bill. I’m not even supposed to let her order what she does (she wants a side dish by itself that’s only supposed to be an upgrade for a platter)…

So it’s Christmas Eve, and I’m in this upscale paper/stationary store in this upscale part of town, talking on my phone to my husband. I am standing amid an enormous display of fancy Christmas crackers (those things you pull apart to reveal a toy or gift, plus usually a paper crown which his family thinks you can’t…

I really feel for the lobster cracker guy... I once saw the headline “Doctors operate on conjoined Irish twins” and sat staring at my computer for a full minute trying to figure out how they were conjoined but born at least 9 months apart.

How come cucumbers implies land-cucumbers?!?! You are just part of the land based elite using language to subjugate oppressed aquatic species!

I usually have the worst service at the big chain restaurants like Bison Feral Appendages, Pepper Pods, Italian Flatbread Shanty, and of cours the Blue Crustacean, though nothing beats that last story from Cow Milk Monarchess.

OH MY FUCKING GOD "THE REGULAR."

Given the variety of "international" food I've seen in Japan, I would think they'd be all over gyros (albeit some 'Japanized' version like their Domino's Pizza or their curry). It's been well over a decade, but the last time I was there I daydreamed up a chain restaurant called YuroYuro, complete with a kawaii pita…

I feel Rosa's pain. I, too, have had a pager chucked at my face by customers when I was a host - at least you took reservations. At the certain Australian-themed restaurant where I worked, we didn't take reservations, but did "Call Ahead" seating, which was supposed to cut your wait time down some, but usually ended…

It takes three.

The jerk that grabbed the server, and started dropping F-bombs and C-bombs, and refused to pay - should have been arrested, plain and simple. That poor girls manager obviously has no backbone. I'm in management and have been for over a decade. Although no longer in food service (retail now), I have been.

I will never, ever, ever understand people who treat other people who are just trying to do their job in such a way that it makes them cry. Especially grown adults who scream at teenagers working minimum-wage jobs after school. What, exactly, is up with that? What kind of person loses their fucking shit when they have…

C.A. Pinkham,

Let me preface this by saying that the Subway customer demanding literal handfuls of pickles is obviously a little deranged, but make no mistake that the "subway formula" for sandwich dressing is CHEAP AS SHIT.

You know, this might be the most depressing BCO yet. Except for that first story, which had me make a couple Krabby Patty jokes, everything about this made me want to just rock back and forth while rolled into a ball.