Why does everyone always assume it's a kids' book?

Between this and The Land Before Time being on Netflix there are a lot of childhood traumas bubbling to the surface right now...

Either that, or there is a new cheekbones-based event that the Canadians are ready to dominate.

I can’t get over the fact that they hired models to wear the clothes. WTF?! “We’ve got access to the most athletic and beautiful human bodies on the planet. Let’s hire some outside talent with really hollow cheeks.”

1. Too many clothes on Lochte. 2. I would have sex with every member of the Swedish team and I don’t even like girls. 3. I need the name of the Canadian in the middle.

Nothing says America like our most traditional and popular sport, polo.

I’m still continually impressed that the Rio Olympics are a thing that is still happening. Despite the complete and utter unpreparedness of Rio which includes not just a lack of facilties but a failure to clean up polluted areas the atheletes will be forced to compete in. Added to the high crime rates of Rio and the…

The correct answer is: USAs uniforms should have been designed by Ivy Park.

The only reason Donald Trump has friends is because he has money. Without it he’s that obnoxious racist friend you hate but a friend you really like still is friends with him and invites him to join in whatever you are doing all the time.

Did you see the bit on Full Frontal where Sam showed Cruz talking about the trans gender bathroom issues and of course he supports the birth certificate bathroom law “because he has two young daughters and doesn’t want to think about some man stalking in the bathrooms and doing God knows what”.

I swear, Boehner had some kind of divine epiphany and became briefly human over the last year or two. He’s still a Republican, but he spends most afternoons staring into puddles at his own brazen image asking: “Who... am I?”

Ted Cruz strikes me as the kind of guy who was never invited to a party and then refuses to leave. I don’t even mean this as a metaphor for his political career or campaign. On a personal level. As a human. He seems to be what I call “socially aggressive.”

Looks like Boner is fulfilling our “even a stopped clock is right twice a day" adage for this week.

“I, the Titanic, have thought long and hard, and have decided to select Deck Chairs as my vice presidential running mate.”

Dear Ted: No one really give a hanging chad about the person you picked to do the job you'll never have. Hell, I think I'll have a presser to announce my co-pope.

“couldn’t be better” she murmured woozily, falling face-first into the couch, a mug clenched in her hands, the TV blaring the eighth hour of a congressional hearing on energy and water spending

I also haven’t won the republican nomination and am looking to announce my running mate. Who’s in?

imagine their mouths touching

I actually expect to see this tweet literally verbatim from Drumpf any second now.

Oh god my fanfic is really happening!!!