Fortunately, I speak fluent FuckingShitstainDouchecanoe (thanks to my ex-husband), and can provide a full translation for you:

Look, she can either put on this floor length red dress and give the General and his Wife their baby, or she can go to the colonies like the abomination she is. Bonus points if you get the reference!

#notallgarbage

human treasure talks to human garbage about non humans, is a treasure, makes garbage mad.

MAMA CAMPUS SECURITY CAME TO TALK TO ME AGAIN (lol)

totally possible, but still like, unacceptable. it's school.

I don't know about anybody else but I regularly reply to work emails from clients with detailed fan fiction about how glorious our lovemaking will be.

I need this to end up on Anti Viral.

I think it would be best to take her to coffee and be like, "Dude, are you okay? It seems like you're really unhappy. What's going on right now? It seems like you're totes not excited about my wedding—which is okay! you already went through all this bullshit!—and you shouldn't feel forced to be in it." See what…

Looks really stupid, but I suppose it's far safer than unity candles, what with all the veils and trains and flowergirl flowers flying around. Lots of gauzy things to catch fire in weddings.

didn't you know? Your engagement was all about her! You silly goose, not getting the blessing of the self-appointed MOH meant you were never engaged.

I've been reading these for hours and you win. o.0

I'm totally going to call my sister "Jennessica" now.

Wait a minute. You spent over THREE THOUSAND dollars on this woman, and then she kicked you out of her wedding so her PHOTOS WOULD MATCH!???! Because you had to go visit you DYING GRANDFATHER?! What a classless, self-centered ass. Ugh.

Pffft! I wouldn't spend $500 on my own bachelorette, or my sister's, or my best friend. That's insanity.

If you're seeking permission to drop kick her ass out of the wedding, you got it.

I was kicked out of a wedding when I was supposed to be MOH after I got in an accident and had to have a major surgery that prevented me from attending the bridal shower. When I told the bride that I couldn't make it because I was in the hospital, she completely flipped out and started screaming at me, saying that I…

I got "called up to the show" as it were, to be maid of honour for a childhood friend after she and the original maid of honour had a very dramatic "mutual break-up" at 3am on the night of the bachelorette party. 6 days before the wedding. Original MOH Jess (her real name, because fuck you, Jess) had driven the bride…

just wait

Uh YUP!!! Axed one of my bride's maids after I found out her boyfriend was holding people up at ATMs and was an actual cat burglar. UM NO, you are not allowed to bring this guy to my wedding, and I cannot have this association with you at all. We found out later he had been casing out her friend's places so he &…