Oh gee, thanks for the pass for us olds. Why do you think anyone cares at all about your dating preferences? And why do you care about who other people sleep with (until they're 40 and you "stop giving a care about the age difference")? And why the hell do you talk like an 8th grader?

My stepson was held back in first grade due to moving around with the Navy and was 19 when he graduated high school. So, that's one possibility.

We had . . . Dan Quayle. So, an old white dude with none of CP's charm or charisma.

Ouch.

Obviously.

Look, unless he saved bread, I don't want to hear it.

My stepkids told me their egg donor "hates tipping." If I didn't already strenuously dislike her for being the shittiest woman with a working uterus (I refuse to call her a mother), this would have put me over the edge.

Starting your defense with "lol" told me all I needed to know about you. For fuck's sake, man, learn how to human.

What in the name of dog is a sorry asslife?

"He might have done some bad things and what not. But you know, we didn't think it was that many and what not. So we ditched him when it became clear that this story wasn't going away and what not. Luckily we weren't too far along in the writing process, so we didn't lose much money and what not.

Pssst - Commander.

Look, we both know that butter isn't the best for moisturizing, but you use what you have handy.

Where's the part where he says, "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again?" Because you know it's in there.

I can't believe you just mansplained bridesmaiding.

You're not an asshole. You have other plans that day. Sure, plans with your pajamas, a couch, and Netflix, but plans. You are under no obligation to accept every invitation; a wedding is not a command event. If you don't want to go, send a nice gift and don't go.

Don't just dropkick her from your wedding; dropkick her from your life. No one needs friends like that.

This is nowhere near as IDGAF as cauterizing your own arm, but one night working a busy seafood restaurant in Boston we had about a 2 1/2 hour wait for a table. The place was jam-packed, the waiting area full and the bar overflowing. I was at the host stand, taking names and giving out the bad news. One guy insisted…

I used to get one of these, except by email. The year my husband's father died, he lost his job, we almost lost our house, and the middle kid decided to go live with his mom I wrote an "All About Our Year!" email back exactly mimicking the style of their letter, except with all of our awful shit instead of bragging…

What's the debate? No.

I had a "destination wedding" specifically so I wouldn't have to invite anyone. I assumed no one would want to spend all that money and use their vacation just to watch me get married. I was pleasantly surprised when eight family members decided a week in Bermuda was fine with them. Then I wished they'd just go home…