Just googled the side-effects of Benzonatate. Nowhere does it mention “beating your wife” or “being an asshole” as potential side effects.

Okay. Sorry I’ve posted this so many times. Booze, my iPhone, and Kinja don’t mix, so let’s try this one more time.

This only works for white people. My ex found out his license was expired because he committed DWB (Driving While Black) in a ritzy area and they pulled him over for some bullshit excuse only to find that his license was suspended. I'm still not sure how you go almost a year without knowing your license is suspended,…

See also: the time I puked on the hot social studies sub’s shoe in 6th grade; and the time in fifth grade I leaned over the side of the bed at my grandparents’ and puked on my sister, who was watching TV in the bottom trundle, after I had eaten Italian sausage and enjoyed a ride on the Gravitron at the State Fair. I’m…

Pretty much my question. I vomited in front of several buses of school kids, and this bitch is out of the greys?! Wtf.

That song made me wish Daddy’s Boy was a real movie so I could hear the rest of the soundtrack. Totally underrated.

Also, the time I threw up on the hot social studies sub’s shoe in sixth grade...

I swear I know how to spell “girl” but I’m drunk and auto-correct is not my friend...

I’m down here in the grays, so I doubt anyone will see this, but my whole life has been leading up to this contest...

I swear I know how to spell “girl” but I'm drunk and auto-correct is not my friend...

I’m down here in the grays, so I doubt anyone will see this, but my whole life has been leading up to this contest...

In high school, I was in show choir. My junior year, we went to a competition two hours from home and I was sick as a dog. I had a stomach bug and couldn’t keep anything down before the competition, so my best friend’s doctor parents had given me a prescription nausea medication to relieve my symptoms.

Bieber's apology would have been more convincing if he hadn't been so obviously not into it. I couldn't tell if he was reading a teleprompter or reciting from memory a very boring piece of prose, but either way, it wasn't exactly a convincing take on "The Passion of the Biebs".

Agreed. I've made it clear to guys I'm interested in that I'm a one-guy kind of girl, so it is implied that if we enter into an official relationship (DTR'ed on Facebook and all that jazz), it is automatically exclusive. Once things are "official" and that talk is had, you discuss whether you're deleting your OkCupid…

Agreed. I've made it clear to guys I'm interested in that I'm a one-guy kind of girl, so it is implied that if we enter into an official relationship (DTR'ed on Facebook and all that jazz), it is automatically exclusive. Once things are "official" and that talk is had, you discuss whether you're deleting your OkCupid…

I talk to my dog and often refer to myself in the third person as "mommy" while doing so. Ex: "Now, where did mommy leave your harness...?" as I wander around the apartment aimlessly looking for said harness. Or "Mommy has to make dinner now, so you have to get up." Or "Alright, Rory, are you ready to sit down with…

My dog and I have developed a rhythm because she has to ensure I'm following ever three steps. She doesn't just stop though, she runs back up towards me, so that if I'm mid-step, she's in danger of being crushed underfoot...Now, I just take three steps at a time, stop, wait for her to do her mini-lap, proceed three…

When I was about four (just old enough to have a vague recollection of the event), my mom and I were in Target. I had just started to learn Spanish from my mom and Sesame Street and I was quite proud of myself. Naturally, being the people-pleaser that I was, when I saw a Hispanic family, I wanted them to know how…

In the fourth grade, I got a "think sheet" for not doing homework or something, which I was supposed to take home to my parents to sign. I had already had one that semester, including one for stealing candy from a teacher that got me whipped with a belt (it was my rebellious year), and I didn't want my parents to know…

In second grade, my mom took me to Great Clips for a trim. Unbeknownst to me, she had a different vision than I, and being that I was still too short to see much in the mirror, I was blindsided when I saw the finished product fifteen minutes later. About a foot of hair had been mercilessly chopped and I was staring at…