Shapeshifting Illuminati Lizardlings don't assume human form properly till almost six months or so. That's just the skinsuit shifting.

mine is currently binging on poptarts and chocolate covered pretzels......

My uterus ate a whole packet of caramel Tim Tams yesterday.

Oh my god, this is amazing. This is like the educational, badass version of that joke. I think I need to put together just a YouTube playlist of badass poets and hilarious comedians talking about periods for each month.

Jokes about menstrual cycles are not funny. Period.

Regarding periods, this is fantastic, and everyone should watch it:

hes only a dolphin ma'am

I'm reading this and I feel like I might throw up. Aside from the part where I am not dead, this could be a story about me and my ex-husband. I'll freely admit to an anonymous room full of strangers that it takes a very particular thing for me to feel fully involved in a sexual encounter, and that thing is blades,…

sometimes humor, however gallows it may be, is the only thing that helps.

Imma say no... "rape, stab or kill" is not usually on the list of things one can do to a BDSM partner... firmly in psycho territory.

MURDERER OR TEDDY GRAHAM

Never trust a model airplane enthusiast.

Once when I just didn't respond to a dude, he told me to go be some hipsters fuck puppet and that I was missing out on what would be the world most romantic musician. And then some stuff about heroin, and then some stuff about rapists exchanging their Adidas for flannel. Which like, what??

Haha, this kind of reminds me of a bad date that I went on last year. The dude kept interrupting me throughout the date, and seemed really eager to paint himself as an intellectual artist-type, while making bizarre claims about "western civilization being dominant" and not actually listening to anything I said. He got…

I once went on 3ish dates with a dude who whined about having spent $300 dollars on me when I ended it. (I would like to note that $100 of that including a parking ticket for parking in front of an embassy, and I'd warned him!) My response? "Well think of all the money I'm saving you!"

Ugh, I remember telling a guy on an online dating thing repeatedly and clearly that I did not want to talk to him or have any more contact with him and he said something like "Lol, if you really didn't want to talk to me you would have blocked me". So I did and he tracked me down to my Facebook profile. Ugh.

I'm sorry for doing that to you. I was really feeling a connection!

Right. At a certain point you have to go for the nuclear option. Otherwise, this guy would have just kept slithering around, demanding her attention.

After a guy I made out with one NYE sent me like, 10 texts (telling me he was "smitten"), I made up a story about how my boyfriend had been out of town/we'd been a rough patch, and it had been really fantastic meeting him but I felt SO BAD about cheating and every time he texted me I was reminded of my guilt. He sent…

Tell me again how simple it is to just tell a guy no. When someone literally has to fake their death to get rid of you, maybe its time to reevaluate your life. She's nicer than me because I would've been all " I faked my death to get away from a Stage 5 clinger like you!"