“Oh, so your mother was a Scotsman? A Highlander?! How queer! Such a pity.”

+1 for excellent use of demmed and stoats.

*blushes*

You always write things that should be black!

This made me actually, literally, squeal with glee.

Immigrants and serving story: I had a bitchy customer once who topped off 45 minutes of hell by complaining about a hair in her dessert. I looked at it, smirked, and then marched back into the kitchen to get my manager.

Not only could they sue him, under NY law, it would qualify as “defamatory per se,” since an accusation that a newspaper is fabricating news is damaging to its business reputation on its very face. So the Times would not have to prove actual damages.

After the coaching carousel of the past few seasons, Niners fans can rest easy in the certainty that they have a coach committed to the long haul. They know he won’t run.

There’s gold waiting for someone who can autotune these tweets on the regular...

Yeah, but you have to admit, it’s pretty good verse.

Im willing to bet it’s the same person that paints everything but his eyes orange every morning.

My crazy mom didn’t just sign her name, she had a text signature. So every text would end with “Smile and pay it forward! :) :) - Momname”

lol. My boss signs his texts to me, and it cracks me up every time.

this is also an acceptable response

It’ll be amazing because Mark is going to play the roles of Tom Brady, Danny Amendola, Julian Edelman, and Rob Gronkowski.

Porn

Also, the only thing I think of when I see multiple text notifications from the same person is “Holy shit, there’s an emergency”

I found the person without reading comprehension skills.

Especially since it probably sounded like “caaaaaahk”.

bill russell is the only one with a cock ring