So where does Phil Kessel rank on Pro Athletes that Don’t Look Like Pro Athletes? He’s gotta be up in, like, the “fat relief pitcher” percentile.

People have been telling me how much I’m like my mother since I started talking. Drives me crazy. I even know that it’s a compliment because my mom is lovely and kind and funny but it still grates on my nerves. (PS it’s even worse because my mom and I share about 70% of our personality and I have nearly all of her…

got banned, too lazy to create another troll account

I was running (is running the right word?) on an elliptical (ellipticalling?) once, and a cute girl hops on the machine next to me. Naturally, I double up my speed to show off, and then the elliptical arm grabs my sleeve and rips it clean off. I stumble, but don’t fall. I regain my speed and she and I lock eyes in the…

Trump wins in a landslide, or it’s fixed... fixed I tell ya’! Everyone I know is voting for Trump! If he doesn’t win by a huge margin, it must be rigged for crooked Hillary!I don’t know ONE Hilary supporter! Not one! And I know a lot of peeple!

+$0.01

...elite meme curator...

Yesterday I walked into the grocery store and saw a cute girl trying to separate the last two half shopping carts. It was going to be perfect, I would be manly and help her out and impress her with my skillz at fixing things. I grabbed the two carts and pulled from a few different angles before I stopped, looked at…

I can’t wait for Elizabeth Warren to ask during a debate “What kind of conservative takes a multi-million dollar loan for their business?”

“What do you think I’ve been doing over here?” — Trump

Having two X chromosomes myself, I thought that ‘gal’ was kinda cute - compared to so many other terms he could have used!

Ooohhh, I’m sorry, we were looking for “hot piece of ass.” We also would have accepted “chick with huge bazongas.”

I would’ve said “don’t call them ‘retarded’ ass hole”

I met my now-wife at speed dating. Everyone was wearing name tags and I noticed that a couple of the women there were named Carrie or Kari. My wife was the last woman I sat down with, she told me her name, then immediately took of her name tag since the event was ending. We really hit it off, and towards the end I…

Remember, when someone can use the r-word and still have the moral highground against you.... you are truly an asshole (or taking an asshole position).

Pro tip: before getting married, hang out with your mother and potential mother-in-law together for an extended period of time. No urge to smash their heads together? Go ahead and propose.

Did you talk in 3rd person too? That may have been the deal breaker.

I’m windows down, under 50mph, windows up above that. It’s the combination of noise and aerodynamics that gets me. Also if you don’t keep a clean car, when you start blasting down the highway at 80, you get a lot of debris blowing around.

Your couch wonders what it did.

Yeah, that kind of confused me too. Dude should have let the extradition go through, but he probably would have just been killed sooner if he did. It’s just really, really fucked with the cartels down there. Just think, if we legalized drugs we’d completely undercut the funding for the cartels...although they might…